Disclaimer: This article is an in-joke for a small cohort of about 68 current students. If you are not one of those students, do not fret. At minimal cost to your wallet and your health, you can experience it for yourself at apply.jhu.edu before reading this article.
This article is interactive. You will need a 6-sided die (or random.org/dice). Try to maximize your GPA, Health and Artistry. Your final score is Gx + Hy + Az, with coefficients x, y, z based on the character you chose at the beginning. Make choices wisely. The author recommends procuring a pencil and printed copy before trying this; try playing it with other players, too.
Note that while this is based on true events, actual experiences vary; for example, no dance majors were consulted while preparing this article.
8 a.m. Choose a character. All characters start with G = 4.0, H = 4.0, A = 4.0.
- Player (1): Bachelor of Science in Computer Science/Bachelor of Music in Composition. You were a National Young Composers Challenge Finalist in high school. Now you are trying to finish your Computer Science degree with research in algorithmic music theory. You’re co-founder of the largest student group at Peabody, a composer-performer collective. Coefficients: x = .7, y = .8, z = 1.5.
- Player (2): Bachelor of Arts in Biophysics/Bachelor of Music in Oboe. You were valedictorian in high school and played on a state-championship-winning field hockey team. You are also a composer; now you go to lab at the Miller Research Building every day to maintain the health of your cells (ironically sacrificing your own), alongside your 88-credit Biophysics major. Coefficients: x = 2, y = .5, z = 1.
- Player (3): Bachelor of Arts in Public Health/Bachelor of Music in Violin. You played on NPR in high school. You are far too involved, as President or Co-President of 3 or 4 clubs, including the Peabody General Assembly. You’ve done research in neuroscience and performing arts health and recently became an undergraduate researcher with the School of Public Health. Coefficients: x = .8, y = 1.7, z = .8.
- Player (4): JHMI. You are a $1.6M electric vehicle. Coefficients: x = -2, y = 4, z = -2.
9 a.m. It’s time to ride the JHMI! Roll a die. If ≥ 5, then you have caught the JHMI. Otherwise, subtract .2 from your health and repeat the process until you catch the JHMI. If you have rolled at least 4 failed rolls, you can choose to (a) keep trying the JHMI or (b) take the Purple/51/Silver instead for a flat .6 penalty, distributed as you choose across GPA, health and artistry. Call this procedure Ride the JHMI.
10 a.m. It’s time for Theory 5 with Kip Wile. Don’t be late! Subtract .3 from your GPA if you rolled the die more than once at 9 a.m. Otherwise, add .2 to your GPA. In class, you discuss Stravinsky’s block designs in Petrushka and tonal ambiguity in Symphony of Psalms. After class, you have to catch the JHMI to head back to Homewood. Ride the JHMI. If you rolled two or fewer times, skip to 11 a.m. Otherwise, Eat Lunch at Peabody instead: add .3 to your health and subtract .2 from your GPA, then skip to 12 p.m.
11 a.m. You have caught the bus... wait. Buses? (The editors of The News-Letter have informed me that I cannot insert the image of two JHMIs side-by-side in this paragraph for formatting reasons. Alas. Imagine it instead. Better yet, imagine a whole lineup at the Med Campus — better board the one leaving now, not the one leaving in an hour!) Roll a die. If even, take the bus on the left. If odd, take the bus on the right.
- 11 a.m. (Left). On the bus, you receive a message from Gradescope. Luckily, your Data Structures Course Assistant graded your work correctly rather than labeling your answer wrong just because it happens to be technically more correct (the professor mentioned it in class) than the answer key. Not that that would happen at Hopkins! You breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you were actually wrong on the super simple question three about Maps. Add .2 to your GPA. Go to 12 p.m.
- 11 a.m. (Right). Just as you begin to relax, you realize that it is Friday, April 18, 2025. You look to your right as you pass 25th Street and notice the building formerly housing Yum’s Asian Bistro. You decide to come back tomorrow and explore the area, which is almost certainly not foreshadowing. Anyway, you’ve foregone lunch today. Subtract .4 from your health. Go to 12 p.m.
12 p.m. Your best friends are performing at the Friday 12:30 recital. Do you (a) attend in person, (b) catch it on the livestream or (c) disappoint them for work again? Choose one.
- 12 p.m. (a). This is strictly not possible if you are at Homewood, but let’s pretend it is — Ride the JHMI. (If you ate lunch at Peabody, no need.) Your friends do great! Add .3 to your health and add .3 to your artistry. Subtract .2 from your GPA. Since you are at Peabody, Ride the JHMI again to get to Homewood. Go to 1 p.m.
- 12 p.m. (b). Roll a die. If ≥ 4, then all goes smoothly; go to 12 p.m. (a). Otherwise, the Concert Office failed to activate the livestream again; go to 12 p.m. (c).
- 12 p.m. (c). You miss the recital again. Add .4 to your GPA and subtract .3 from your health. You have the sneaking suspicion that there is now a group chat without you and that even Player (4) was invited... If you are at Peabody, Ride the JHMI to get to Homewood. Go to 1 p.m.
1 p.m. It’s your last 25-credit semester of the program, so you chose to take it easy with your Homewood course selections. What was your 1 p.m. again? Was it (a) Theory of Computation, (b) Biophysical Chemistry or (c) Genetics?
- 1 p.m. (a). You are Arthur. Merlin claims he is not colorblind, but you don’t believe him. You bake a green pie and a red pie on your way to pick up a public coin from Chase Bank. Add .3 to your GPA and add .1 to your artistry. Subtract .2 from your health. Finally, Ride the JHMI and go to 2 p.m.
- 1 p.m. (b). You are Merlin. You studied really hard, and on Midterm II, you remembered the details of the Chaperone-Hydrophobic Collapse model for protein folding. You successfully complete the derivation for the slope of TΔS at the temperature Ts. Add .4 to your GPA and subtract .2 from your health. Finally, Ride the JHMI and go to 2 p.m.
- 1 p.m. (c). You are Arthur and Merlin. Your dominant alleles cover up your recessive alleles in the expressed phenotype on your way to jhu.instructure.com, remedying your genetic errors. Add .3 to your health. Finally, Ride the JHMI and go to 2 p.m.
2 p.m. You go to History of Music. Feeling emboldened, you raise your hand. Just as the professor calls on you, you realize you’ve forgotten which one you’re taking. Is it (a) HOM1, (b) HOM2 or (c) HOM3? Roll a die. If even, go to 2 p.m. (c). If odd, go to 2 p.m. (b).
- 2 p.m. (a). Renaissance Paleography was last week; transcriptions are due. How did you do? Roll a die. If even, add 1.0 to your GPA. If odd, subtract .2 from your GPA and subtract 1.0 from your health. Go to 3 p.m.
- 2 p.m. (b). Choose to answer the following question right or wrong. If right, add .2 to your GPA, subtract .2 from your health, and go to 3 p.m. If wrong, subtract .3 from your GPA and go to 2 p.m. (a). Who composed Vivaldi’s Four Seasons?
- 2 p.m. (c). As you finish speaking, you realize you’ve made a grave mistake. While you’ve sidestepped confusing John Adams, postminimalist, for John Adams, second POTUS, you’ve unwittingly confused John Adams, postminimalist, for John Luther Adams, postminimalist. Unfortunate. Subtract .4 from your GPA and add .3 to your artistry. Go to 3 p.m.
3 p.m. You need to go to Ensemble; missing the wrong rehearsal would be worse for your GPA than missing a homework assignment for your 1 p.m. Ride the JHMI. If you rolled more than once, subtract .2 from your GPA. Otherwise, add .5 to your artistry.
4 p.m. You’re still in rehearsal. Roll a die. If even, add .6 distributed as you choose between health and artistry. If odd, subtract .6 distributed as you choose from your GPA and artistry.
5 p.m. You’re still in rehearsal. Repeat the procedure from 4 p.m.
6 p.m. It’s registration day! Peabody Double Degree students get priority registration, which allows time to sort out the inevitable lack of cross-campus communication. You’re about to submit your SEAM case. Roll a die. If ≥ 2, you get Victoria Ritter and add .4 to your health. Otherwise, they’ve denied your request to enroll in Peabody courses because your primary registration is at Homewood. Subtract .3 from either your health or your GPA and repeat the process until you roll ≥ 2.
7 p.m. You’re famished. More importantly, your health may be in shambles.
- If your health is ≤ 2.0, you are now sick. You may choose to Rest (you are out of the game, your current score becomes final) or Keep Working (at every roll of the die, if you rolled N, you’re only counted as having rolled N-1; go to 8 p.m.).
- If your health is > 2.0, roll a die. If even, you Eat Dinner at the Peabody cafeteria, adding .3 to your health; go to 8 p.m. If odd, you Ride the JHMI and Eat Dinner at home, adding .5 to your health; go to 10 p.m.
8 p.m. You were working in the Arthur Friedheim Library when you overhear a friend, acquaintance or stranger disparaging the work that goes into the other degree or otherwise misunderstanding the subject and its practitioners. Do you (a) try to explain or (b) realize it is futile and continue to be misunderstood?
- 8 p.m. (a). Roll a die. If ≥ 5, they are receptive. Add .8 to your health. If ≤ 4, subtract .4 from your health and .3 from your artistry.
- 8 p.m. (b). Good. Add .3 to your health. Subtract .3 from your artistry.
Finally, Ride the JHMI back to Homewood.
9 p.m. Choose one of the following.
- Study. Roll a die. If you rolled a 1, do nothing. Otherwise, add .X to your GPA, where X is the die’s result.
- There are diminishing returns after 12 a.m. But if you’re reading this, you’ve made it to graduation. So you already knew that.
- Visit Uni Mini for Snacks. Roll a die. If you rolled a 1, do nothing. Otherwise, add .X to your health, where X is the die’s result.
- You remember that at 3 a.m. on Tuesday, June 3, 2024, a van rammed through the doors of University Market in Charles Village. Three masked suspects went in to try to lift the ATM, failing miserably. After all this, the suspects left with nothing at all. You ponder the perfidy of desire and the resilience of commerce while enjoying your overpriced snack.
- Practice/Compose. Roll a die. If you rolled a 1, do nothing. Otherwise, add .X to your artistry, where X is the die’s result.
- You can’t really practice after 10 p.m. unless you’re at Peabody due to quiet hours. Even then, you’ll get kicked out around 2 a.m. But for the purposes of this article, suppose you have all the time in the world to practice.
- Sleep. Roll a die. Sleep for the next X hours, where X is the die’s result or the number of hours remaining, whichever is smaller. You cannot do anything else for the next X hours. Subtract .35X from your GPA. Add .35X to your health and add .35X to your artistry.
10 p.m. Choose another choice from 9 p.m., unless you are sleeping right now.
11 p.m. Repeat the procedure from 10 p.m.
12 a.m. Repeat the procedure from 10 p.m.
1 a.m. Repeat the procedure from 10 p.m. If you are not sleeping and did not choose to sleep, subtract .35X from your health, where X is the current hour.
2 a.m. Repeat the procedure from 1 a.m.
3 a.m. Repeat the procedure from 1 a.m.
4 a.m. Repeat the procedure from 1 a.m.
5 a.m. Repeat the procedure from 1 a.m.
THE END. Tally up your scores and compare. Recall that your score is Gx + Hy + Az, with coefficients x, y, z given by your choice of character.
Score sheet is linked here.
Alex Ma is graduating with degrees in Composition and Computer Science from Cincinnati, Ohio. You can reach him at alexmacomposer.com or linkedin.com/in/alexlejunma/.
