19 is such a “middle child.” You’re past that initial excitement you had at 18 of technically being an adult, but you’re also still mentally a teen because your age doesn’t start with a 2. Yes, I’m turning 20 in about three months, and it feels very strange, but let this piece be something I can look back on years into the future.
19 is an age full of expectations. Most of these expectations are, frankly, set by ourselves: Do I need a wardrobe upgrade? Do I need to work part-time? Do I need to make more friends than my close circle? Do I need to spend more time with my family, eat better, sleep earlier, be more productive? Do I need to put my grades as my top priority, or should I prioritize the kind of college memories everyone says I’ll miss once it’s over?
19 is an age full of exploration, not always the aesthetic kind people post about. I used to be someone who meticulously planned out a trip months in advance — down to each minute. Well, I still do the research part, but the timeline gets shortened drastically. Did I decide two days ago to go on a Toronto + China + South Korea spring break adventure? Yes, and that decision felt both impulsive and strangely healthy. I’m starting to realize that not everything needs to be perfectly outlined and executed, and not every getaway needs a reason. It’s fun to live in spontaneous bursts of energy as long as they bring me happiness and positivity, which is very unlike my character to admit. Along the way, I’ve grown so much as a person, and that means so much to me and motivates me to accept new challenges.
19 is an age full of conflicting streams of consciousness. I find myself making decisions all the time — some feel life-defining for an unknown reason. I don’t know whether they are good decisions, and I don’t try to define them with those labels. Perhaps I’m not the type of person to be full of regret or remorse, or maybe I’m just tired of pretending I can predict the future.
Before college, I thought I was sure of my career direction: going to medical school and working in a big hospital. It started to wander once I learned more and knew more and met more people. College, especially sophomore year, brought so many possibilities for me, many of which I’d never heard of prior. I’m still constantly debating and churning and battling inside my head. I’ve thought about my values and beliefs and what my future workplace should have to fulfill my life and vice versa. These questions never come with a clear answer. So I’ve accepted the fact that careers can always change. I want to look at my future with an open mindset, go with the flow a little bit and slowly take control of the flow myself. It is very difficult to predict where I’ll end up, who I’ll be spending a lot of time with, what I’ll be doing on a day-to-day basis, but that’s okay! I don’t need everything figured out right now.
19 has also made me more aware of my emotions and how I want them to steer my life. Not necessarily in a dramatic heartbreak way (though maybe a little), but in the sense that I’m learning what it feels like to outgrow things: people, expectations, comparisons. Some changes are exciting; some feel like a train wreck. A lot of them are both at the same time.
This might sound funny, but 19 feels like I’m simultaneously running out of time and also having too much time. I want to do everything all at once, trying to fulfill the dreams I had in high school when I thought this was what adulthood should look like. The idealized version of my future has not left my mind (and probably won’t for a few years): an apartment in a high-rise in New York City with glass floor-to-ceiling windows. Lots and lots of natural light, a beautiful fluffy puppy, a book room. A coffee from Blank Street in the morning, a 9-5 corporate job, a pilates session and a cocktail at night. Photos and photos and a few close friends, day and night feeling completely different. But wait, that’s under the assumption that I would no longer be in school. I can always go to more school, or I can step into society and get a real job. I can move somewhere unexpected, or I can stay closer to home. I want the “right” choice to be the one I make and commit to, rather than the one I perfectly calculate.
19 isn’t a big milestone or a beginning. I spend a lot of it living in my thoughts and reflections. If I could tell my future self one thing, it would be that you didn't need to have it all figured out at 19. Just keep moving, keep noticing what makes you feel alive and keep prioritizing your happiness.
Linda Huang is a sophomore from Rockville, Md. majoring in Biomedical Engineering. Her column celebrates growth and emotions that define young adulthood, inviting readers to live authentically.
