On April 1, 2026 a personnel working at the Office of Student Affairs, who wishes to remain anonymous, submitted a tip to The News-Letter. The email stated that the University hired DJs who, when they are not playing music, will tour campus, collect the devices of any students studying and take them to a soon-to-be-built fire temple for their annihilation.
The tip explained the decision as the University’s latest attempt to prevent students from studying at the Bloomberg Student Center (BSC) as the previous DJs and their The Weeknd tunes were unsuccessful in convincing the students to give up on their assignments and socialize.
The BSC, a building that aims to “bring together the whole university” to create “meaningful interactions, belonging, and growth,” has immediately become one of the most popular study spaces on campus since it opened. The space owes this success to its minuscule tables barely large enough to fit a MacBook, seating areas that so far helped 85 students successfully develop scoliosis and incredible white noise features (people who never touched a piano before playing their first “Do-Re-Mi”s on the grand piano).
Although the students enjoy sipping their third $4.40 matcha latte of the day while memorizing the essential graphs of microeconomics (and even multitasking by strengthening their chronic neck pain with bad posture) at the BSC, the Hopkins administration is concerned about the new preferences of the student body.
The Milton S. Eisenhower Library (MSE), the former star of the show when it comes to study spaces, is currently closed for renovations and set to open in 2032. The project is expected to cost $130 million — according to The News-Letter finance team’s complex calculations, with this much money, one can buy more than 9 million Maryland Crab Cake Sandwiches from Mo’s Place, which is a very large number of Maryland Crab Cake Sandwiches from Mo’s Place.
When spending this much money on a space that is designated as a study place, the University is confused and upset with the students’ choice of using the Bloomberg Study — sorry, Student Center as one, concerned that the trend will continue when the MSE also opens and all the money spent on its construction goes to waste.
“Me no likey,” the Office of Student Affairs stated in a recent email.
Students noticing an influx of DJs on dating apps have strengthened the claim further. Sophomore Tindara Bamble discussed an interaction she had with a DJ on Hinge.
“He came to my dorm, set up his DJ equipment and started blasting really awful house music without even saying a word to me,” she said. “I had to lock myself in my room and wait until he was gone.”
Although the news concerned some of the students, it also received widespread support from the Hopkins alumni. In fact, it is speculated that Michael Bloomberg is planning to donate $1 million specifically to fund the DJs, and the fire temple will be named the Bloomberg Fire Temple to honor his donation.
