A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.
I preface this essay by saying that there isn't such a thing as a bad movie. A movie could have lackluster cinematography, poor characterization, ill-fitting music, an incoherent plot or the most desaturated color palette and still not be a bad movie. It only becomes a bad one when the denouement of the movie does not offset sacrificing three hours of time that could be spent working, which is such a Hopkins way to characterize a movie. These bad movies have become the hallmark of my time at Hopkins, and in a strange way, the workload at Hopkins and the resources that it provides have facilitated my perusal of these movies.
If I want to see a movie, the first thing I do is look up the Letterboxd ratings. I laugh at the quippy one-liners, skim the wannabe film critic commentary and note the general sentiment of the reviews. Average rating 3.5? Nope, I might actually like the movie. Average rating 2.7, and if I squint, I can see its terrible potential? Fitting for a night of procrastinating on the eight-page paper due in two days. The more pressing and important the deadline, the higher the potential for the movie to disappoint me. Always ready to join me on my bad movie watching is my friend Kayla, who watches movies on a more regular basis than I do.
The Collegetown Shuttle is the holy grail for bad movie watching — it connects Hopkins to the Towson Town Center, whose food court is perfect for snagging a Chick-Fil-A sandwich to smuggle into the movie theater. On the way to the cinema, Kayla and I talk about our expectations for the movie. We're usually hoping for an empty theater so that we can verbalize our ongoing disbelief and get some cheap laughs in the process. The thirty minutes of trailers help in setting the mood for our procrastination to begin as we look out for even worse movies to watch (we're looking at you, The Sheep Detectives).
Then, it's time for the movie. For the most part, it is what we expect. Sometimes it is a romp and a half (like when we saw Him and wondered why anyone would ever hate on such a campy film) or a middling, uneventful movie (Reminders of Him and that awful synth cover of Yellow comes to mind). It could be the best movie ever made (Jennifer Lopez was a star in Kiss of the Spider Woman, and there is a reason why it is in my Letterboxd Top 4) or, in the words of my friend Kayla, "literal shit from a butt" (Emerald Fennel deserves to pay for the unforgivable sin of turning Wuthering Heights into a salaciously bland romance between Cathy and Heathcliff).
My favorite part of bad movie watching is the trip back home. We have been enlightened, and as bad movie connoisseurs, we have to give our opinions on a movie that we had no directorial input over. On that bus ride home, we are cinematographers, producers, screenwriters and movie buffs. We are eagerly updating our Letterboxd profiles with one-liner reviews of the movie (“You’re laughing. Two dumb bitches are telling each other exactly and you’re laughing”) and ripping these movies to shreds by wondering why they would make this.
But deep down, we love the thrill of seeing a bad movie. At Hopkins, we are primed to seek out greatness in everything, which is not wrong, but it leaves no room for imperfections or failure. These bad movies remind us that there are people out there who are still pursuing their passions and creating art in a world that is imperfect and difficult to navigate. And it affords us great comfort when Kayla and I walk back home and open up our computers, ready to start the work we so easily put behind us to watch Emerald Fennell dress up Jacob Elordi in a costume to give him a more-than-uncanny resemblance to Jesus.
It’s been an amazing two years here at Hopkins, and it’s sad to be graduating when I just got here, but I’m glad to have been able to see some duds because of my time here.
Lesley Kwarteng is a senior graduating with a degree in Chemistry from Elgin, Ill. When he isn't watching bad movies, he plays Quiz Bowl and is involved in musical theater.
