APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
It was a bizarre day in the NBA, as three separate astonishing developments shocked the basketball world.
LeBron is heading to NOLA this summer
Just ahead of this past February’s trade deadline, tensions between the Los Angeles Lakers and New Orleans Pelicans were sky high. The two teams’ front offices, LeBron James, Anthony Davis and Klutch Sports (James and Davis’ agency) were caught in the middle of firestorm that had consequences for all of the parties involved.
However, the Lakers and Pelicans appear to have put their differences aside, as they have agreed on an absolutely stunning transaction. LeBron and AD will get to pair up after all, just not where we’d all expected. This summer, once trades can be made official, the Lakers will send LeBron to the Pelicans in exchange for two future first round draft picks. In addition, New Orleans will send a third first round pick and forward Solomon Hill to the Atlanta Hawks, in exchange for a future second round pick and salary cap space.
From the Pelicans’ standpoint, this move allows them to add the type of player that they would never have any shot at signing or acquiring otherwise. If LeBron and AD develop strong chemistry, and the supporting cast complements the two superstars effectively, New Orleans is instantly a contender. Many analysts are criticizing the number of future picks that the Pelicans are giving up for a plan that could very easily go south quickly. That’s fair, but were the Pelicans ever known for having a shrewd front office? And in their defense, they are getting LeBron!
The Lakers, meanwhile, will clear up not only the tension in their locker room, but a ton of cap space that they can use to attract members of this summer’s ultra talented free agent class. And who knows, maybe AD won’t like playing with LeBron after all and he will head to La La Land next summer. LeBron, on the other hand, won’t be leaving NOLA any time soon. Should’ve thought that through before he signed a contract without a no-trade clause!
KD and Kyrie form a new “Big Three” in an unexpected destination
Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving have absolutely had it with the media, as evidenced by multiple incidents over the course of this season. The two have taken matters into their own hands to find a balance between avoiding the overbearing media, winning, increasing their popularity and making boatloads of money. They have found a solution, albeit in a place far, far away: Shanghai. KD and Kyrie will join Jimmer Fredette on the Sharks to form an unstoppable overseas trio.
The two former NBA champions are claiming that this move has nothing to do with avoiding the media’s scrutiny (make of that what you will). Rather, they are calling this move a “business decision,” as it will allow them to pursue major sponsorship opportunities in a gigantic market that is full of potential. Basketball is already immensely popular in China, and it is continuing to gain popularity at a rapid rate. If the Chinese consider Stephon Marbury to be a legend, imagine what they’ll think about KD and Kyrie.
The two are expected to sign contracts comparable to deals that they would have signed in the NBA, as the news of the two’s move to China has triggered a massive inflow of money into the Chinese Basketball Association. Chinese investors are betting big on KD and Kyrie’s ability to vitalize the league for the long term. The two should also see considerable increases in their supplementary income. They are both signing new shoe deals with Nike to account for the drastic increase in anticipated sales of their shoes in China.
Cleveland busted after making cavalier decision
In 2003, after winning the draft lottery, Cleveland was fortunate enough to select a once-in-a-generation talent in LeBron first overall. When LeBron left to play in Miami for four years, the Cavs managed to win the lottery three times. Sure, they were a pitiful in each of those seasons, but winning the lottery that many times seems a bit too coincidental.
Now, it turns out that Cleveland is indeed involved in some fishy activities. An unnamed 22-year-old currently employed with the organization as a “Technical Intern” was caught at NBA headquarters “attempting to covertly manipulate the draft lottery machine to influence its algorithm.”
Following LeBron’s second departure from “The Land,” the Cavs are in a state of absolute desperation. They have inevitably fallen back into the league’s abyss of irrelevance and were clearly dead set on drafting Duke University phenom Zion Williamson, no matter the cost. Consequently, they resorted to extreme measures that will now backfire big time. As punishment for its actions, Cleveland will be forced to forfeit all of its 2019 draft picks. Now, for the first time maybe ever, the city will actually be thankful that it has the Browns.
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