Tomorrow, I'm going to Texas for a weekend to "see about a girl" (thank you, Good Will Hunting). She is an ex-girlfriend, but based on the outcome of the visit, she may (hopefully) again become my girlfriend. While it's all very risky and unexpected, I'm extremely, extremely excited (as, I believe, is she).
Here's the relevant part, the part worthy of a column: I've been thinking of little romantic things I can do while I'm there. This is separate from things to bring her; I must actually do at least one romantic thing.
Here's the best idea I've got so far: I hope that one morning I just happen to wake up before she does (which, if my memory is correct, is pretty likely).
I will quietly get out of bed, get dressed, find her car keys and drive to the gigantic, Texas-sized grocery store (I remember the way there from the last time I visited her). Before I leave, I will put a note on the nightstand saying something like, "I just had to take your car for a few minutes - don't worry."
At the store, I will buy her flowers, and I will get the ingredients to make her breakfast in bed. I'm thinking either French toast or blueberry pancakes, as each of those is just elaborate enough to be impressive but is still so fundamentally simple that I'm pretty sure I can pull it off. It probably wouldn't be all that romantic to try to talk her into eating a scorched crepe or a poorly folded omelet.
Once I get back, I will make breakfast - all while she's still asleep, of course - and then I will wake her up gently, point out the fresh flowers in a vase next to her bed and serve her breakfast in bed.
Cue the swelling romantic soundtrack and video montage of Renée Zellweger committing seppuku, right? Oh sorry, half of that might just be my personal fantasy. But overall, it sounds like a romantic idea, doesn't it?
I foresee her having one of two reactions to all this. Either she'll love it, or she'll be really, really pissed.
If she loves it, then the whole affair will score me some major brownie points, which should translate into near-constant sexual activity and (knock on wood) not having to watch anything really sh---y on TV, like Dress that Crazed Bride or whatever they're calling it these days.
The other reaction would be far more unfortunate for me but would probably be more entertaining for any eavesdropping neighbors. It wouldn't be totally unreasonable for her to say something subtly angry.
Something like: "What the f---?! Don't you ever take my car without asking!" My suave defense of, "But breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" might not cut it.
"You know what else is important? NOT STEALING CARS! What if you'd gotten into an accident? No one would know where you'd gone, my car would be totaled and I wouldn't even know it! You did this for what? Some f---ing breakfast? How about the stress of thinking you're going to be there when I wake up, and then I find you gone without a trace? Yeah, that's real romantic. Pancakes are the least you owe me after that!
"Oh, your precious little note? Yeah, well forgive me for not thinking to put in my contacts and go sleuthing around my apartment for clues as to why I'd been suddenly abandoned and had my car stolen!"
This would probably leave me in a situation of near-constant sexual frustration, with nothing but reruns of Extreme Makeover: Dancing with Midgets Edition to distract me from how much of an idiot I am.
I don't really think that the last scenario has much chance of happening, largely because the girl I'm going to visit is not a psycho. But it's a possibility. You never know what's going to just set somebody off, like, for example, becoming a victim of grand theft auto in the name of surprise and romance.
Frankly, just the thought of it backfiring might be enough to prevent me from actually going through with my plan. The chances are slim, but the risk is grave.
I'd better bring her a teddy bear or something.
