So you're agonizing over what to give as presents this holiday season. Fear no more. While I'm not here to tell you what to get your family (you've had two decades to work that out), I am here to help you with gifts for your sexual dear ones.
If you've been dating someone for six months, you better know if they like socks or not. Stick to what they like but be creative. No scarves, no gloves and no Transformers.
Your long-term girlfriend would be thrilled by a thoughtful gift card, if you're that lazy. A good spa (do your research) or a unique store you know she likes, but no Red Lobster or Old Navy. If you've got the balls, a collection of poetry is phenomenal. It doesn't have to be romantic, but try anything from Rilke's sonnets to Orpheus to Frank O'Hara.
If you've only been dating someone for a little while, you've got your work cut out for you. Boyfriends are usually satisfied with a movie. Ask his friends if he's into Clint or Bond flicks. Under no circumstances should you buy him lotion. Try to stay away from overly sappy CDs. Consider an upgrade for his Xbox headset or PS2 controllers, something platonic but thoughtful. For your recently acquired girlfriend, consider low-key jewelry: simple chain-and-charm necklaces or beaded bracelets. Contemplate taking her out to dinner, but make it special. Or cook it yourself! If she likes frats, clubs or hookah bars, maybe some blacklight nailpolish or jewelry is in order.
The strangest person to shop for is your consistent hook-up. You're not dating, but you feel as though you ought to get them something besides condoms this week.
Go for more inconscpicuous food - no whipped cream, but maybe maple syrup. Not strawberries, especially when they're so out of season, but maybe certain types of candy? I'd go with cinnamon; that's a taste you don't often encounter.
If this is someone you usually "study" with (maybe you study and then get distracted), perhaps some cute homemade notecards are in order. Draw all the important enzymes for them, diagram the system they're learning - finals can be the kiss of death for your arrangement if you don't keep up.
It's important that gifts be given only in stable hook-ups - that is, you "hang out" at least weekly, for more than the last three weeks. Otherwise, when you give the girl you hooked up with two weeks ago an economy-size box of Twisted Pleasure condoms and a mix of Death Cab for Cutie and Snow Patrol, she'll run screaming.
Another awkward gift exchange can be with your significant other's roommate. If you've been dating long enough or seriously, you've become at least pseudo-friends with this individual. You may be harboring guilt about constant sexiling. Earplugs are unnecessary and uncouth; however, high-quality hot chocolate is in good taste. A normal, clean movie would also be a nice gesture.
For the male best friend of your boyfriend, err on the side of macho but not sexual. This means an NFL pennant but not a jersey. A CD could work as long as it's Dethklok and not Lesbian (yes, it's a metal band).
When buying for the female best friend of your girlfriend, aim for feminine without being sexual. Try Backstreet Boys, not Shakira, a book about Barbie, not bras, or a My Little Pony, not a My Little Vibrating Rabbit.
For the female best friend of your boyfriend, be careful not to come off as territorial. If she has a sense of humor, try a knitting kit. If she doesn't, go for an understated set of soaps.
Don't buy whips and chains for a significant other, even if that's what they're into - that's not really the spirit of these holidays. Buy that on a birthday and request they use it in their birthday suit. Furthermore, do not "write" your girlfriend a song in which you change the lyrics of a song she's not likely to know.
