According to the Associated Press, on Tuesday, Harvard University Interim President Derek Bok let rip a really nasty one. Since Harvard is, well, Harvard, university presidents across the country suddenly realized that flatulence must be the newest, best methodology in higher education. Our own President Brody reportedly cut a juicy one and then used an oscillating 3-speed fan to distribute his presidential gasses around Garland Hall. Rice University's president immediately made smelling his farts a part of that university's graduation requirements. According to anonymous sources, the President of the University of Michigan actually pooped into a blender and made a feces smoothie, just to show that Michigan is a top-tier university, too.
OK, readers, it's time for me to come clean: the less retarded among you may have realized that the above events did not actually occur. It's preposterous to report that President Brody farted; everyone knows that the only things that come out of his ass are patents, Nobel prizes, and ResLife policies. But seriously, I made up all that stuff about titans of academia cutting the world's smartest cheese for a reason: Distinguished universities like our own pay way too much attention to what Harvard does.
The News-Letter of Nov. 9th reported that Harvard has added a religion requirement to its core curriculum, and that other universities are now expected to do the same. A few weeks before that, the News-Letter reported that Harvard decided to abolish its Early Decision process. Moreover, Harvard's decision sparked a debate within other universities across the country -- including Hopkins -- regarding whether or not to abandon Early Decision. The fact that we get up every time Harvard rolls over in bed really drives me nuts. They're just not that special. And it's not like we're some remedial glorified-high-school type of university, either. Hopkins should make policy decisions on the merits and demerits of the policy being considered, not on the basis of whether or not all the cool, good-looking, absurdly wealthy universities are doing it.
I'm not saying that Hopkins should completely disregard the experiences of other universities in making its decisions. Of course, it would be wise to learn from the successes and failures of our peer institutions. However, in that process, all of those institutions should be regarded with equal weight. What happened at Harvard should not be paid any special attention just because their name is Harvard or because they're incredibly prestigious or because they've graduated seven presidents or because they rejected me and then I was too embarrassed to wear all that Crimson gear that I'd already bought.
One thing that people often overlook when granting deference to Harvard is all the bad decisions that they've made. In the interest of educating the public, I've compiled a short list of some of Harvard's mistakes that they don't want you to know about:
Until 1939, Harvard's Athletic Department offered an elective course called "Rapery: the Gentleman's Sport."
Until 1968, Harvard had racially segregated dining facilities. In a landmark case in the civil rights struggle, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down Harvard's doctrine of "separate but delicious."
In 1984, Harvard experimented with all-wizard housing. The all-wizard dorm was a bastion of cooperation and harmony until Gathgar the Mighty passive-agressively told his roommate that dishes "don't do themselves." Apdosh the Overprivileged responded by placing a curse on Gathgar. Fortunately, their RA, Ripplesworth the Brave Cripple, successfully mediated the conflict. Tragedy struck again, however, when Dangleforth the Well-Endowed So He Thinks He Can Get Away With Being A Jerk attempted to create a potion to permanently sexile his roommate, Jake the Socially Awkward. Unfortunately, the potion ignited and the building burnt to the ground. Harvard has since had to integrate wizards into mixed housing.
My hope is that by exposing the truth of the matter the university will emerge more independent in its decision-making process. We have too many brilliant minds of our own to value anyone else's actions over our own judgment. And I have special message for President Brody: that Glade doesn't spray itself.
Adar Eisenbruch is a junior from New York City and definitely did not apply to Harvard.
