Lessons too hard to swallow - Orgasmic Chemistry

Recently ,when I tried to
explain to a friend about
a "party" I was going to,
the only way I could
think of describing it was as something close to a Tupperware party for sex toys. A lot of my friends who were also going were excited not because they were necessarily going to see some new ways to spice up their sex lives, but because they thought they were going to be getting some instruction in the sexual art that had thus far been all trial and error: the blow job.

Unfortunately, the lessons were not forthcoming, and although people left the party with a few new toys, they were still just as hazy about the basic maneuvers necessary to put them to good use.

My friends were not satisfied with just looking at their new toys, and after a few post- "Pleasure Party" drinks they took matters into their own hands, pooling their knowledge and using a vodka bottle for nothing close to the manufacturer's intended purpose.

Two years ago I wrote an article that dealt directly with the lessons being given that night with vodka bottle in hand -- and mouth. The disappointment a lot of friends felt when they didn't get the lessons they came to the "Pleasure Party" for made me think that perhaps it was time to revisit the initial question, "What exactly is the secret to a good blow job? Does it even exist?"

First to quickly go over the basics. To be good at blow jobs, you actually have to want to be there. At head-to-groin level, you're getting more intimate than a good number of sexual positions. For example, I recently ended up, quite unwillingly, refereeing an argument between a friend and her boyfriend. The topic: she didn't give head, he thought she was being selfish. People sometimes forget oral sex is a gift. It's not a natural thing for most people to do -- the human race would easily continue without it.

In this case, the boyfriend should not have been so insistent -- first, he killed all chance of making "never" into "just not tonight." Also, no one is going to be good at giving head if he or she is miserable, and I hope no one would enjoy it if they knew the person worshipping at the altar only wanted to gag.

The second amateur mistake many people make surfaced from the bottle demo. Unfortunately, all too often people see head as the end of the evening. Well, if you go all the way through, yes, it will at least be the end of the round. But the key is making it the means to a great ending, and not necessarily the end in and of itself. Using oral only as a warm-up lets girls who don't even want to think of the question "spit or swallow" off the hook.

The process starts way before any lips move south of the border. Wanting sex in any form is half the fun. So the question, then, is how do you make someone want to get a blow job? One way is to play out a fantasy. Fingers are extremely phallic objects. When there's a break in the action, grab either of his hands and, starting in the middle of the palm, put pressure on the skin with the pad of your thumb. Work outward in a slow circular motion to either the base of the index finger or pinky. Advice from one guy friend on this point: girls are always afraid to be a little rough. Although you shouldn't leave marks, remember that guys can take a lot more than most girls give.

Once at the right digit, take it between your thumb and your index finger and while still keeping pressure make an elongated twisting motion ending the twist at the top of the finger. Try just doing this a time or two before you get the rhythm. At this point, it's time to use your mouth. Take the whole thumb into your mouth and twist as you move up to the head -- um, tip -- of the finger where, of course, you might want to give an extra twist or two. Then move on to the next finger. A friend described it as riding a roller coaster: build tension and ride it up, then move more forcefully and quickly down. Then start again.

When you're both ready, let a free hand get a lay of the land -- nothing that will distract from your hand massage, but make sure his thoughts are free to wander with your hand.

Hands are also key when you finally break down and take on larger organs. A friend commented after my last blow job article, "Next time you take something apart, try unscrewing it by using just your lips and moving your head. Doesn't work at all, eh?" The same rule applies for the blow job.

The last article talked about the "OK" sign that should stay at the bottom of his 21st digit to keep things tight, but there are other uses for your ten free fingers. First, keeping your hand as a tube and an extension of your mouth will relieve some of the oral workload. That type of position can also be used to give what a friend calls the "Indian Burn -- but in that good way."

For those who missed it in the school yard, an "Indian Burn" is the same motion as ringing out a towel; grab the object with both hands and twist in the opposite direction. The non-school yard version is done with less force and lubricated hands but it's the same motion. Do it with your hands while your mouth is still working up top, starting slow and building pressure and speed.

What good head comes down to though -- I know this'll be hard for a lot of guys especially -- is communication. If you've gotten a girl to kindly give up last call for you, you might as well help her make it good, no? No one's asking for direction, but if you just lay there silently you're not exactly going to get what you want either. It's like elections; you only get to complain afterwards if you participated in the process by making your voice heard. If you just lie there silently in bed and hope she figures out that you like things differently than her ex-boyfriend (or, very easily at Hopkins, current boyfriend) then you're not going to be particularly happy with the outcome. In addition, any noise of appreciation (or something that says a guy's even awake), would check a lot of the girl's anxiety.

Although there was some great knowledge shared at the "Pleasure Party"("Don't willingly tea bag yourself" emerged as a key piece of advice) it was still unfortunate that so many girls still had questions they needed to get out. Although I'm sure that there are lines of people willing to give lessons, hopefully this article will move people past the basics, let them be a bit more confident and spare some other alcohol bottle the same sexual harassment.