Loyal readers of The Cock Block, I am about to introduce you to perhaps the best game ever to be created. The complexity of the game in question is daunting. In fact, I could probably write an entire article just about the rules. But that need not detain us at the current juncture, for the game itself is beautiful in its majesty. By now, anyone who knows me has probably guessed the game I have in mind.
That's right, I'm talking about Diplomacy.
For the unbelieving infidels out there, Diplomacy is an ingenious board game (obviously) wherein each of seven players try to stab each other in the back as many times as possible within the course of just a few fun-filled hours. Personally, I think the game should be a prerequisite for all students who apply to Hopkins with the intention of being a pre-med (those churlish bastards), but that's another column entirely.
Well, perhaps some examples would be best. The first time I played with some fellow Hopkins students, the results were diverse. One resorted to eating pieces of scratch paper and consuming shots of vodka within half an hour. Actually, many people relied on the vodka. Another played through to the end, which, as it turns out, was the beginning of crew practice the next morning. There are other better stories, but they're perhaps too sordid to tell in a family periodical like the News-Letter.
Other fond memories of mine include getting pummeled by a "friend," having water balloons thrown at me, and threatening people with dull pencils.
What could cause such acrimony, you ask? What sort of malicious game is this that turns friends against friends, girlfriends against boyfriends, and everyone else against me?
Diplomacy, as it turns out, is a recreation of World War I. The goal is to amass as much military might (in the form of tiny little plastic pieces) as possible, then pretend you're a Republican/Democrat depending on which party is in office, and take advantage of everyone else and his mother, you capitalist pigs.
The beauty of the game is that the element of chance plays a minimal role. Your own military buildup is not determined by a roll of the dice, as in Risk, but by how much foreign territory you can conquer with your existing forces, as in Diplomacy. Essentially, it's a numbers game: in order to beat an enemy, you have to have more pieces.
Of course, since there are seven players, it's impossible to do this on your own. You have to form alliances with other players in order to gain a numbers advantage. The two of you, presumably outnumbering the victim of your attack, then divide up the spoils.
Then comes the fun part: stabbing your one-time ally in the back. The key here is to avoid betraying your friend too early; if you tip your hand, then you will be the one caught off-guard and unprepared to defend yourself.
Remaining true to real life, in Diplomacy there are multiple ways to dick someone over. You might pledge support of a given country (players represent Britain, France, Germany, Russia, Austria-Hungary, Italy and Turkey), while actually on the same turn you're plotting with someone else to attack the first person. You could also fail to uphold your end of the bargain in a certain deal, thereby benefiting disproportionately from your combined efforts (you all probably have experience with this tactic from study groups here at Hopkins).
There is at least one way in which the game is unrealistic - because of the way the game works, France starts out with the strongest position. This can give the misleading impression that the French might actually be competent in warfare. It is at this point that it is crucial to remember it is only a game - the French are good for wine, cheese and fulfilling plenty of other stereotypes, but not war.
Diplomacy is sold by Avalon Hill. Finding it is somewhat difficult, at least if you prefer traditional stores. You'll probably have to buy it online (searching Yahoo's commerce section is a good bet). You shouldn't have to pay more than $40 for it, but there is one thing that is crucial - do not buy the computer version. I've never played it, but seven people huddling around a computer screen just does not seem as fun to me as planning out strategy over an actual map of Europe.
Diplomacy's real downfall is that it's nearly impossible to find time for it. The game does take several hours to play (up to eight), and getting seven people free for that long is difficult, especially at Hopkins. Still, it's time well spent. And when it's all over, you'll never want to speak to each other ever again.
