It's such a simple question. Deceptively simple, even. Whether it’s meeting your roommate for the first time or waiting awkwardly in line at Levering Kitchens, I’m sure many of us have encountered this staple of small talk. Answering this question should be easy — second nature by now. Yet it’s one I’ve always struggled to respond to.
My default has been “I like to read and write,” but recently, saying that has never felt more like a blatant lie. As the realities of university life sink in, the responsibilities, deadlines and pressure consume me. The time I have for writing slowly dwindled to nothing. How can I call myself a writer when I don’t write at all?
People often say if you truly enjoy something, you’ll always have time for it. But how easily writing was squeezed out of my schedule suggested otherwise. If it’s not the process of writing I am drawn to, then what is it about the role that is so appealing that makes it my instinctual answer when someone asks what I enjoy?
The answer is simple: I love stories. They are the fundamental methods I understand the world with. When the chaos of an indeterminate future and a dwindling pointless past overwhelms, the power of stories becomes so distinguishing as an arbiter of order. It is a way of explaining there is meaning in the ways the world functions — that this tiny, fleeting moment of existence is part of some timeless, endless celestial saga.
But all this grand talk of the power of stories has ultimately amounted to nothing prior to this year. I started telling people my favorite medium to write in is “unfinished plotlines” because it was the truth. I figured the image of a writer I had for myself is entirely fictional. I don’t have any sort of awards or portfolio or credentials that should qualify me for this role. I didn’t consume literary works or truly enjoy analyzing and dissecting stories to fit some sort of theme. My favorite author is Tolkien and my favorite series is The Lord of the Rings because I never had the time to develop more niche interests. I write when I feel like it, and most of the time, I don’t. When I do, it’s probably because I pre-set deadlines and responsibilities, so I force myself to follow through (thank you, magazine submission).
These and much more were facts I told myself. Only recently did I understand these affirmations inhibited me from actually writing: I told myself I was not ready, was not enough, that trying was futile, before I had ever tried. How could this end in anything but a waste of time? How could I dream of telling stories of the transition from isolation and despair to hope and love, when I had not even gone through that transformation?
Of course, the first step toward change is recognizing the problem. While watching a Brandon Sanderson interview during winter break, I was captivated by what he said. He knew many who never published their first novels, but none who regretted writing them. There is no “correct” time to start writing, and life will never wait for me to be “ready” to start telling stories.
“Getting started” is what I have done. This year, I picked up a Writing Seminars minor and started really plotting and writing my first novel! Even if I am pursuing an engineering major, my love for stories shouldn’t be changed because of it. A creative mindset is a useful asset in any field, after all.
I don’t feel ready to claim the role of a “writer” yet, but I know that I will get there eventually because, for once, I am actually writing.
Shuwen Zheng is a freshman majoring in Computer Engineering from San Jose, Calif.
