I have meant to write for the Voices section for a very long time. It’s supposed to be the section where you can say anything and everything: no headaches over finding solid evidence or getting interviews with good quotes. And yet, I have never written a single piece until now — less than a month away from graduation.
I blame this partly on the News and Features section for making my writing voiceless (no bias is the way to go). But I should admit that the actual reason I shied away from Voices is that I was scared to write about myself.
Ever since I can remember, I have avoided sharing my innermost thoughts, feelings and troubles to my closest friends, and even my mom. For the longest time, I didn’t know why. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust them. It wasn’t that I wanted to be a mysterious figure with millions of secrets. So, I decided it must have been that I was just a private person. I have always been one.
When I came to college, I was forced out of the safe and cozy comfort zone I had built for myself. As soon as the equilibrium was broken, insecurities I had avoided for years became more obvious than ever. That was when the realization hit me: how would I reveal my deepest turbulences to others when I never accepted them myself?
I was scared to share the true me. I was afraid that people would judge me. I feared that saying my weaknesses out loud would make me a weak person. The reality is: I was the one looking at myself that way.
I may have become stuck in a never-ending pattern of avoidance if I had tried to confront this alone, as I’ve often done in the past. Fortunately, though, I’ve met so many wonderful people who have shared their weaknesses with me without any shame or embarrassment. They taught me that accepting your own flaws is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.
At first, it was very hard for me to accept my insecurities and share them with others. Even opening my mouth to speak took much courage and effort. After I did, however, I felt a sense of relief that I had never experienced before; these people appreciated me for who I was regardless of my insecurities — something I have never done myself.
Of course, people don’t magically change overnight, and I’m still a little (or very much?) afraid of talking about parts of myself that I dislike. Nevertheless, I am trying to let myself be the way I am, as now I know the strength in acceptance.
So, here are some of the things I feel insecure about (the entire list is too long to write here): sounding awkward in small talk; pronouncing things wrong; seeming too Korean; seeming too American; my face; my body; my clothes; not having an opinion; having too strong an opinion; feeling left out; feeling not enough; listening to the most bizarre K-pop songs on Earth with my high school friends (I’m exposing you guys too, but you’re never going to read this... right?); and avoiding talking about these things.
Voices, you are still the scariest section to me. I have always been afraid that you would make me reveal my most intimate thoughts to the world. Yet I still wanted to confront you, to confess why I was intimidated by you, to become friends with you.
It was tough to ask if I could write for you and even tougher to begin this piece. Yet, after jotting down a sentence or two, I wrote as if I was talking on and on to an old friend without pausing to take a breath. Although I might need some courage to click on this article once it is published, I will listen to my long-awaited confession and embrace my deepest feelings warmly, just like you did.
Aimee Cho is a senior from Seoul, South Korea majoring in Psychology. She is a Managing Editor for The News-Letter.
