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March 29, 2024

The six types of Hopkins professors as chairs

By ROLLIN HU | September 1, 2016

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COURTESY OF ROLLIN HU Some Hopkins professors display the same qualities as Mudd Hall’s old-fashioned rocking chairs.

There are a lot of different types of chairs. There also are a lot of different types of professors at Hopkins. Here’s what would happen if some of those professors became chairs. Or maybe these chairs turned into professors. How do metaphors even work anyway?

1. Lecture hall chair

This professor is that chair right there. No, it’s two to the left of that one. I mean my left, your right. Okay, and then a row up. Wait, never mind, that’s not it. Maybe you would be able to figure it out if you would actually go to class and meet this professor. It’s okay if you don’t go though. This professor only sees you as an empty chair too.

2. Those rocking chairs in Mudd Hall

Rocking chairs may be old-fashioned, but by no means are they obsolete or out-of-date. This professor carries years of tested experience and is able to relate that to you in a steady, calm fashion. They may be a little repetitive or redundant, but that’s just to make sure you know what’s going on.

3. The random colorful chairs on the Gilman quad

These chairs are bright and funky and pretty much great. They’re just chilling around and let you just chill around. The same characteristics apply to this professor. They want you to be happy and experience the sun and the shade and the fresh air. They give out readings that are actually ones you want to read. They are really flexible and available for you, so don’t hesitate to get to know these wonderful people.

4. This old stool I found in the sketchy basement of some building

This stool is so old that it has the imprint of Daniel Coit Gilman’s buttocks on the seat. This professor is the definition of the word “tenure” and has been here long before our University became an integral part of the military-industrial complex. The lectures are kind of half-assed (note the photo) and the information taught is significantly out of date. Also, don’t bother going to office hours. Like this stool, you’re probably not going to find where they are.

5. Those couches in the Hutzler Reading Room that face the window

These couches are great. They are comfortable, distinguished and overlook a horizon of greenery. The Huztler Reading Room is fantastic, with tall, west-facing stained glass windows and great portraits of past university faculty. This professor prepares you for everything you need to know in life in a way that is both interesting and fulfilling. On top of that, they will write a recommendation letter and provide career networks that will broaden your horizons past the window of Hopkins to the outer world.

6. The chairs in the Brody reading room

These chairs are actually just regular chairs. There is nothing of note to them. Except for the fact that they are in the Brody reading room. A chair in the reading room is coveted real estate where students atavistically regress, lose all sense of humanity and cut each other’s throats to secure a seat. This professor is nothing special, just like these chairs. Yet, he or she inspires the notorious culture of competitiveness at Hopkins, which the admissions office shuns as taboo. Whether they only grade at the right half of a bell curve or weigh participation at 50 percent of your final grade, these professors should probably be teaching a class on natural selection.


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