Aquarius — Make sure you get enough sleep this week because you will be visited by ghosts next week, and this will prevent you from getting more than three hours of sleep.
Pisces — If you are approached by a tall, dark stranger, do not engage. Repeat: Do not engage.
Aries — Try to engage with any Pisces who seems lonely but only if you are tall and dark and a stranger. These are the people that make Pisces feel the most comfortable.
Taurus — Mars is or is not in retrograde and is unable to answer your question. Ask again later.
Gemini — Don’t lose anything. For real this time. You might not be able to find it again.
Cancer — Spend some time outdoors and appreciate nature. You never know when you might be locked in a basement for a while.
Leo — Just be quiet, people are tired of listening to you brag about your test scores.
Virgo — Hang in there, bud. Things will get better. Spring break is coming up. Go somewhere sunny and eat some ice cream!
Libra — Don’t tie your shoes tomorrow. It’s... bad luck to tie your shoes on a day ending with the letter y.
Scorpio — Sad? Just look around and watch all the Libras trip tomorrow.
Sagittarius — Count to a million.
Capricorn — Laugh at all your Sagittarius friends who are going to spend about two weeks counting just because a newspaper told them to.
Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The News-Letter.