Eight excuses to binge-watch in peace

But there was just one problem. You have at least one friend. Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a problem, but that friend doesn’t want to watch 30 Rock or Parks and Rec or Gossip Girl or Breaking Bad or whatever 26-season show you’re watching this week. So how do you politely tell your friend to get the f**k out so you can watch your show?

That’s where I come in. I happen to be an expert on binge-watching and avoiding people. Here’s some context: Over winter break I watched all nine seasons of Scrubs, the hilarious Zach Braff doctor comedy, in six days. That’s right. I watch 182 half-hour comedy episodes in less than a week. I think I can rightfully call myself an expert.

So here are my top nine excuses to avoid hanging out with people and keep watching Netflix.

1. “I can’t, I’m sick.”

This one works great, but you have to commit or they’ll know you’re faking. Saying you’re sick means you’re unavailable for at least a whole day and after, make sure you’ve got a case of the sniffles.

2. “I’ve got work to do.”

This one is good because you’re hardly ever lying. I can’t think of a single moment in my life where I didn’t have something that I should be doing. It doesn’t mean I’m actually going to do it, but at least I’m not lying to you.

3. “My roommate/girlfriend/cousin/cat is having a crisis, and I really need to be there for them.”

Everyone has to respect this because no one wants to be the asshole who keeps you away in case there actually is a crisis. Sure, they’re going to wonder if you’re telling the truth, but they aren’t going to risk checking up on you.

4. “I actually need to finish this show because if I don’t I’m going to explode.”

This is definitely true in the metaphorical sense. They might not believe you, per se, but they’ll know how serious you are about this goddamn show.

5. “It’s laundry day.”

Tell them they’re welcome to join so they know you still like them. They won’t join. No one is interesting enough that you will willingly accompany them on their laundry day when there are better places to go to.

6. “I have a date.” And, “I’m hanging out with my best friend.”

This one is a doozy. It’s like in old ‘90s TV shows where the group of friends all tells their parents they’re at the another’s house. In the end, the parents end up talking to each other and they’re all caught, so you just have to make sure your S.O. and your best friend don’t communicate with each other or, like, run into each other at a frat party. You can imagine how that would end.

7. “I’m so sorry, but I completely forgot I have an appointment. At 8 p.m. On a Friday.”

This excuse suffers the longer you keep talking. If you add more details they’ll know you’re lying. Keep it concise. Meetings work. Appointments. Phone interviews with the company in California. Only add details if they actually help your case. Come on. That’s lying 101.

8. “Wait you wanted eight excuses? I’m so sorry, I don’t have the time, I’m sick, I have so much to do, I need to be there for my best friend. Okay, fine, I give in. I was watching The Office.”