Three Fictional Men I Wish I’d Dated

The way I see it, I’d rather be alone on Valentine’s Day than date any of my gentleman callers at press time. (Read: There are none.) Besides, hanging out with my guy friends at school has given me an insight into the male psyche that terrifies me. Hopkins men put duct tape on the carpet so they know that when dirt starts to take the shape of their name they know they need to vacuum. They try to convince you it’s totally normal to write narrative poems about the Playboy Mansion. They add more water to a bottle of shampoo instead of walking to Eddie’s to buy a new bottle. All evidence points to me, myself and a bottle of wine this Valentine’s Day, and I’m looking forward to it.

I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone on this campus that could hold a candle against the men I’ve found in movies, television and books when I’m supposed to be doing my homework. Here’s some qualitative evidence that fictional men do it better than Hopkins dudes any day:

1) Seth Cohen, The O.C.

Anyone who’s watched The O.C. post-2003 knows that Summer Roberts was far too cool to be dating Seth, and that’s just not how high school works. The hard, cold truth is that any Hopkins girl would appreciate Seth’s adorable quirks. You like Death Cab? Seth’s bought you front row tickets to their latest concert. You like holidays? Seth’s created his own. You like burritos? Seth loves burritos. You like comic books? Seth designs comic books. And even though you were supposed to be tuning in for the then-hunky Ryan Atwood (Wife beaters? So edgy.), you have to admit Seth Cohen’s got it going on.

2) Ron Weasley, Harry Potter

Harry may be The Chosen One, but I’d choose Weasley over HP any day. If Hopkins was Hogwarts, Harry would be the angst-ridden, egotistical Writing Sems major that keeps trying to tell you about his existential poetry in the shape of dementors, while Ron would keep you laughing during even the most miserable of all-nighters on D-level. Not only would the Weasleys be cool with you coming to visit for extended periods of the summer, they’d invite you to the Quidditch World Cup with them, too. At least Ron’s into nerds — Hermione Granger, you’ve got competition.

3) Tom, (500) Days of Summer

I’ve never understood all of the hype about Zooey Deschanel, and I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the way her character treats Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s during the movie. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS MAN IS?!?! If a guy likes Mike Nichols movies, actually volunteers to sing at karaoke night and works a sweater vest, you put on a ring on that, STAT.

Alas, some things are just too good to be true. Hopkins men with literary taste: call me, beep me, if you want to reach me. If you’re an engineer, it’s OK.