New Vibrations-Madonna

Hollywood's a strange place: while some musical artists have managed to age gracefully (through their career, of course - Botox is for real aging), there are some who never seem to break out of the original formula that made them famous. Madonna's newest album, MDNA, again proves that the star is still making music that would be better suited for up-and-comers half her age.

Madonna suggests she's aware that her career's perpetual stagnation when she sings, "I'm stuck like a moth to this flame" on her unmemorable track, "Turn Up the Radio."  Yes Madonna, you are.

Most of the tracks on this album are similarly unmemorable due to really atrocious songwriting - in fact, I don't even remember what "I'm Addicted," "Love Spent," or "Falling Free" even sound like. On "Some Girls," Madonna insists she's "everything you've ever dreamed of," and even makes a reference to "porn star heels." I understand that she's having a complex abut getting old, but I think it is possible to age without ever seeing the need to buy said "porn star heels." On "Superstar," another promising track, Madonna compares a lover to celebrities. It's an interesting concept, but for some reason, I don't think telling a significant other like they're like Abe Lincoln or Bruce Lee is sexy (Wait. This is Hopkins. Perhaps some people would find that sexy). Also unexpected was the art history lesson in "Masterpiece," when Madonna sings, "If you were the Mona Lisa, you'd be hanging in the Louvre." Yes Madonna, that is a fact.  

Personal experiences are usually good sources of inspiration for entertainers, and I was looking forward to tracks abut Madonna's highly publicized divorce from director Guy Richie and rebound Yankees baseball player Alex Rodriguez. What we're left with is a track called "Gang Bang" (I kid you not), which is an inadequate attempt to merge the sounds of Lady Gaga and house music. I thought "Gang Bang" was ending three times before it actually did, and with lyrics like "I shot you dead, shot my lover in the head," I really couldn't wait for the track to be over. "I Don't Give A" sounded promising when the lyrics began, "wake up ex-wife, this is your life," but it's followed by a long list of housewife problems, including the fact that she has no time to get a manicure, has to call her babysitter and forgets her computer password. Madonna deals with these problems by responding "I don't give a ****," Nicki Minaj steps in to perform a rap, and Madonna comes back to end the song with the ever eloquent, "There's only one queen...and that's Madonna BITCH." She's always so tasteful.

And what's a Madonna album without controversy? Madonna essentially sings blasphemous prayers in two of her songs, but none of them for the same artistic reasons as "Like a Virgin," "Like A Prayer," and "Ray of Light." Instead, Madonna simply aims to create controversy for publicity's sake. When she asks "All the saints and holy men...catch me before I sin again," she doesn't need divine intervention, she's really praying for a new manager.

At its best, Madonna's tracks are only sheer imitations of other celebrities' popular songs. The first track, "Girl Gone Wild," is essentially a 50 year old woman's version of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" mixed with copious amounts of autotune. I was initially suspicious of the first single off of MDNA, "Give Me All Your Luvin,'" when I realized she had intentionally spelled "lovin'" wrong. I was worried that Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.'s collaborations on the track would not fit into, well, anything Madonna's ever sung. Yes, I was right to be suspicious: Her Minajesty's rap very ill-suited for the track, and it blends pop, disco, and New Wave without ever really establishing a sound for the track. The song begins when Madonna spells out, "L-U-V MADONNA Y-O-U YOU WANNA," in a manner eerily reminiscent of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" and Toni Basil's "Hey Mickey," but without the same punch.

Ardent fans of Madonna, if you don't want to take my word for it, look to the numbers: MDNA has the biggest second week sales drop in record charts history. The Queen of Pop's reign is most definitely over unless she can scrape together something brilliant for album number thirteen.

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