Nov. 12, 2007 at 5:45 p.m.: Off-campus unarmed street robbery. 2900 block Saint Paul St. Four blocks southeast of campus.
A graduate student walking south in the 2900 block Saint Paul St. while talking on a cell phone was approached by four unknown males 14-16 years old.
One of the suspects asked the student "Hey, what's up?" and then struck him on the side of his head knocking him to the ground.
A second suspect struck the student in the stomach as a third suspect took his cell phone and fled east on 29th Street. Description of Suspects: Black male, 14-16 years, wearing a white tank top.
Nov. 14, 2007 at 1:34 a.m.: Off-campus unarmed street robbery. 3700 block Charles St., Three blocks northeast of campus.
A really drunk frat dude was stumbling in the middle of the road, talking on his brand-new iPhone and simultaneously checking his Patek Philipe watch when he was approached by eighteen unknown males 24-72 years old. Four of the suspects simply laughed.
The student was lightly pushed over while accomplices gingerly removed the personal effects from his girly-weak grip. Then they all jumped into a black escalade and drove off. Description of Suspects: Black male, 24-72 years old, between 4'7" and 6'8", between 120 and 480 pounds. He's wearing Nikes. Get this man.
Nov. 15, 2007 at 4:16 a.m.: Off-campus insult. 3400 N. Charles St., right next to the crosswalk.
Some douchebag yelled expletives at several Hopkins students while driving by. Fortunately, no injuries resulted, although one junior reported feeling "really f**kin' pissed." Description of Suspects: douchebag, 18-22 years, wearing a Sox hat and one of those retarded "Busted Tees" shirts. Probs from Loyola. We're working on it.
Nov. 17, 2007 at 9:13 p.m.: Off-campus armed robbery. Non-affiliate. We don't really give a sh*t. Something about a black Escalade. Keep your eyes peeled.
Nov. 19, 2007 at 10:46 a.m.: On-campus attempted kidnapping. Gilman Hall, Rm 110, 46 feet from the center of campus.
A senior female was leaving her Film & Media class when she noticed a black escalade following her down the hallway. As the vehicle approached, a suspect stuck his head out the window and asked the student if she wanted a lift.
The student declined. Suspect became more aggressive, speeding up the car. The student escaped by ducking into a Classics classroom. Description of Suspects: I dunno. He was probably wearing a shirt and pants. The pants might have been baggy. Get this man.
Nov. 28, 2007 at 11:28 p.m.: Off-campus aggravated assault. Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity, five blocks southwest of campus.
Anna Dethy discovered her boyfriend of three months, Dan Maselli, hooking up with some hot sorority girl in the basement during a fraternity party. Dethy approached the unsuspecting girl and slapped her. Bitch fight ensued. Maselli and company watched and made bets. Sorority girl went down hard, and Dethy fled the scene.
She is currently wanted for questioning. Description of Suspects: white female, 5'6", 127 pounds, pretty hot except for the smile. She shows too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio.
Personally, I'd do the sorority chick over her. Only now she's all bruised and stuff. Gross. Better wait a month. Maybe I'll recommend some light surgery for her nose. Maybe a boob-job too. We'll see. Anyway, keep a lookout for Dethy.
If you have any information regarding these incidents please call the Northern District Police at (410) 396-2455 or Hopkins Campus Safety and Security at (410) 516-4600.
Look do not argue with an armed robber and risk serious injury: Safety-wise, it is better to relinquish the property demanded. If you must leave the safety of campus, travel smart: Carry a gat of your own and roll with a large posse.
Make snap-judgments about people you see to determine whether or not they will rape you. Avoid bitch-fights at all costs. Watch out for them escalades. Hopkins safety/security out.
