From the outside, nothing looks wrong. I reluctantly get out of bed, go where I’m supposed to go, yap, laugh and dillydally. It doesn’t seem that anything has changed. I’m still me: I deliver the same jokes and remarks, I have the same competitive spirit, I have the same interests I am very vocal about. However, underneath the noise, it’s just silence.
This is what anhedonia looks like. Things happen but I don’t feel anything about them. I can study and retain information, cackle at TikToks and complete housekeeping tasks, but there’s no thrill, no satisfaction, no pull to keep going. I get my daily iced hazelnut latte from Brody sweetened with two packets of Splenda (my miracle drug) and sip it slowly, but it tastes like nothing. I scroll through social media and see out-of-pocket Instagram reels and funny TikTok trends. The laughter I produce is there, but I don’t feel it.
I’m highly ambitious and constantly pushing myself to achieve with late night study sessions until my eyes ache to score extremely high in Cells and Systems I. I’m big on romanticizing studying as I am usually left awestruck learning about the neuroscience behind how I see and hear, and I love how studious I feel using my iPad writing with my Apple Pencil. Yet, the passion and drive that used to make me feel like a true scholar have faded. I don’t feel like I’m levitating when blasting KPop Demon Hunters. Small moments of happiness such as eating cheese fries from Shake Shack only provide me with sustenance but not satisfaction. I move, I talk, I participate, I accomplish (do I really?) but inside, it’s all muted. Everything is done out of habit, obligation or discipline, leaving only routine. Not tragic, not dramatic, just flat. I am my own automation, some AI replica of myself.
I guess the one reason I’m in this anhedonic state is that I’m simply unfulfilled. It’s no doubt that there are many other highly driven students who have so much on their plate, achieving countless goals, leading organizations, conducting research and excelling in every domain. The more tasks I check off and the more goals I achieve, I will always be overshadowed by someone doing even more. Every conversation, every casual remark about accomplishments, every post on social media is a constant reminder that I am not doing enough. Achievements, even small ones such as scoring the median in Physics despite a low class average, feel rather hollow.
The constant pressure to outperform and the never-ending checklist of expectations gradually diminish any sense of satisfaction or joy. When every accomplishment is overshadowed by someone doing more, the brain starts to associate effort and achievement not with reward, but with inadequacy. Over time, this pattern dulls emotional responses: hobbies feel flat, responsibilities that gave you a sense of purpose now feel like chores, and even small pleasures lose their impact. The thrill of success, the spark of curiosity and the warmth of enjoyment fade, leaving me physically present but emotionally muted.
All throughout high school, I didn’t allow myself to truly be happy until I got accepted into a prestigious college. Little did I know this never ending chase of achievement would never end there. Once I arrived, the bar simply moved higher. Dean’s List? Check. New skill learned in a research lab? Check. Scoring in an A in an exceptionally difficult class? Check. I can’t help but just feel guilty. I have everything: the privilege to attend a prestigious institution that many people basically sell their souls to get accepted to, a strong support system and my only stress is my academics. And still, it’s like nothing really sticks. I have no idea what else would make me truly happy. Scoring within the A+ boundary in Cells and Systems? Receiving the PURA award? Securing the perfect internship? Ultimately, getting accepted to medical school? I’m constantly chasing this ideal version of myself that feels just so out of reach, and every success only highlights how far I still have to go. It’s exhausting, and somehow, even when I get closer to that ideal, the satisfaction never lasts.
But, slowly, I’ve been chasing adventures, things that represent who I really am, such as going to Activate which was a lot more exhilarating than I thought it would be. I fell in love with exploring new restaurants all the way in the Inner Harbor where I have discovered new flavors I’ve never tried before. It’s in these moments of spontaneity where I forget about achievement, and I simply live for myself.
Grace Wang is a sophomore from Tuscaloosa, Ala. majoring in Neuroscience. Her column chronicles life's unpredictable, beautiful mess — never neat, always honest and willing to show the chaos, contradictions and awkward truths we usually try to hide.
