I ask myself this question nearly every day. Ironically, back in December, I had nearly convinced myself that I would get in. My favorite procrastination strategy was to pull up the graph for Hopkins on Scoir, see my star land in the green-ish area, and think, “Maybe I have some hope.” Then I would mull over my essays and Common App activities in my head (I was too scared to actually read them), and perhaps gain a bit of hope.
The day I actually got in, a mixture of relief and ecstasy filled me as I thought that my hard work was finally validated. In the days before I stepped onto campus, I scrolled through numerous Instagram and LinkedIn profiles of future classmates and upperclassmen, read the endless Discord conversations in the Class of 2029 server and contemplated my life choices. My precarious confidence started to unravel as I learned about their work and accomplishments. How could I be going to the same school as them?
The day before I left for Baltimore, though, my mom told me, “Don’t forget all that you’ve accomplished and what you’re capable of.” Storing these words in my heart, I marched on into my new life.
The first few days of my time at Hopkins felt like a dream. I met many new passionate people from all over the world. But, my most vivid memory was from our first Baltimore Community Bound gathering. We were introducing ourselves in small groups, which of course included mentioning our majors. One freshman said “BME,” and when we started to say our obligatory “OMG”s, she frantically protested, “BUT… I’m not smart.” I replayed that scene in my head a few more times. How could she say that about herself? In a way, I was comforted. I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. Through exploring Baltimore, we became close friends, and I only learned more about how cool she was.
On the last day of pre-orientation, the leaders held a Q&A session, so I asked anonymously, “Have you ever felt behind or that everyone else was so insanely successful?” The moment they read my question, they exclaimed “Yes! Of course!” Once again, I was shocked. These were some of the most insane people I’ve met so far; how could they say that? But they also gave me two pieces of advice that I still cherish:
- While the people here may seem extraordinary, they’re also inspiring and will lift you up in the best way possible.
- Even if the Hopkins Admissions office was stupid enough to let you in, you’re smart enough to make the most out of it.
During orientation and the first few days of class, I heard many other classmates express their own doubts. I dove headfirst into my new life, trying to make the most out of my time here. At first, I thought I was thriving. I was ahead on homework, I had filled out a bunch of club applications, and my social life, which I had been worried about, was actually doing really well!
I realized, though, that there was a part of me that still wanted to prove that I was worthy of being here. And as I started to get rejected by clubs, my false sense of confidence started to tumble down again. Perhaps I couldn't actually make an impact here. School started to get harder as well, and I felt myself getting caught in the mid-semester slump as my motivation waned.
Still, there was a silver lining. There were little moments that I could reminisce on, like goofing off during Adoremus rehearsal or giving up on a torturous math problem and drawing fish with my friends in PILOT. I also had my victories, like finding clubs and surviving my first midterms.
But above all, it’s the people here. I’ve met so many amazing people, from my classes, dorm, fellowship, clubs and other random places. We love to rant and give advice to each other. Perhaps it’s the shared pain of school that unites us. But it goes further than that. When my first chem midterm grade turned out to be less-than-ideal, my friend from the class said, “I don’t know what you got, but I’m sure you’ll be okay and will do better next time.” I believed her. Every spontaneous lunch meetup, every “hi” from a high school friend and every late-night talk with my roommate reminds me of what I’d dreamed of when I heard that the Hopkins community was what made Hopkins so special.
So, my pre-orientation leaders were right. Sometimes, I still feel the Impostor Syndrome creeping up inside my head. As I get through the first half of my first semester, though, these thoughts come less. I’m inspired every day to grow into a person that I’ll be proud of. I’ve found a place where I belong, and I’m grateful for everything that Hopkins has given me so far.
Elizabeth Rao is a freshman from Newtown, Pa., studying biophysics.
