As I wait for the exams to be carefully distributed row by row, I remain patiently seated; at least, that is how it appears on the outside. However, internally, my heart is pounding as if it wants to break through my chest, and my mind is at war, scrambling thoughts running frantically around.
Taking a glance behind me, I notice that the exams have finally reached the students at the very top of the lecture hall, and I suddenly feel an influx of jitters spiraling throughout me. Whether they are attributed to the typical pre-exam nerves or the energy drink I chugged beforehand, I am not sure, but I begin to feel my pencil slipping through my fingers and struggle to grasp it.
I peer around, taking my final glances at the hall before getting immersed in paper that hopefully contains words and structures I am familiar with. With the timer at last illuminated on the screen, my time spent pondering is about to end, but one realization becomes amplified: I am about to take my first exam at Hopkins.
It still feels surreal to be a student at Hopkins, as it feels like just yesterday I was drafting my essays and creating a Common App account. I find myself having the epiphany, many times throughout the week, and sometimes even throughout the day, that I am currently living out what my past self had dreamed of and worked towards. It certainly is a rewarding feeling and a simple reminder of gratitude, but I am no longer in the season of attending graduation parties and celebrating with friends and family. With college having begun, I am now enduring the weight of what it actually means to be a Hopkins student.
Needless to say, I am sure that no student here is unaware of the fact that we are studying at a renowned, academically rigorous institution, as isn’t this one of the factors that propelled us to want to come here in the first place? With that being said, we, without a doubt, take priority in furthering our education, but it is definitely easier said than done, especially in the midst of midterm season. I find it way easier to be excited and willing to learn when classes have just begun, as taking notes can be satisfying, but now that it is time to actually prove that I have furthered my education, with this first wave of exams approaching shore, suddenly, I do not feel as captivated by learning as before, and am much rather inclined to stay in bed and watch Modern Family episodes on repeat.
Funny enough, Organic Chemistry was the first exam I took at Hopkins. The course itself is already notorious for being challenging, so naturally, as much as I wanted to have high hopes to conquer the exam, doubt was persistent in making it clear to me that I should expect the unexpected. No matter what affirmations I whispered to myself, I could not help but let this nagging voice inside me make me question whether I was actually “ready” for the exam.
Did you do enough practice problems? Oh, wait, you did not finish doing all the practice tests you were planning to do. Hmm, you also did not get the full ten hours of sleep you wanted. What if the thing you skimmed over in the textbook appears on the exam?
One thought led to another and ultimately led to the question of whether I was “enough.” I am sure we have all heard or received advice telling us to shift our mindset by thinking more optimistically, and that our performance on exams does not define us, but I think these sayings are overused. While they are true in essence, it would be nonsensical to ignore the fact that you can not only think optimistically. Doubt does not vanish at an instant and getting a good grade on an exam does matter, to some extent, as exams can accurately reflect some learning to a degree. I strive to rise above doubt and ground myself in knowing that I am more than just a letter grade, but does that mean I always succeed in doing so? No. Am I not a human after all?
Not to be discouraging, but I am not about to go on with motivational statements about how I am going to conquer and trample my fears and doubts. I, instead, am acknowledging the presence of these unsettling dispositions and aim to live in harmony with them. The doubt I have before taking an exam may not go away anytime soon or ever, but by thinking more along the lines of “trusting the process” and “accepting ambiguity” rather than “crushing and defeating doubt,” I gain a better sense of peace, comfort and stillness within me.
All in all, this is my perspective now, but only time will tell if it remains so. Organic Chemistry might have been my first exam, but it certainly won’t be my last. Nonetheless, everything is still a work in progress, and I have four years filled with plenty of exams that will allow me to navigate my relationship with pre-exam doubt.
Catherine Chan is a freshman from Potomac, Md., studying Molecular and Cellular Biology. She is a Social Media Manager for The News-Letter.
