Justin Bieber just will not let his fame go in peace

Ayo, I’m back with more of my opinions! This week I’m tackling the one and only Canadian dreamboat turned criminal turned whatever he is now, Justin Drew Bieber.

I must preface this by telling you one of my more embarrassing traits: I was a Justin Bieber Fan Girl. I feel like there should be a support group for all of us now college aged people who had to ride that crazy rollercoaster with our boy.

Anyway, anybody who knows me knows one of my claims to fame is Justin Bieber holding my hand on The Today Show when I was in eighth grade (you can actually find this on YouTube), crying and all. It is painful. I like to believe I hammed it up because I knew I could be seen and wanted to give Al Roker the type of fan America wanted to see, but honestly I was just overwhelmed, and I really loved the guy.

Continuing in my biggest year of love for Justin, I dressed up as him for Halloween, the comedian I am. I got a wig and everything — really popped off. This came the year after my Lady Gaga costume (what can I say, I was on a celebrity kick).

All that being said, his music lowkey sucks now. It hurts me to write that. His first album, My World, was just filled with bangers. We got “One Less Lonely Girl,” “Love Me” AND “One Time” all on the same album. Complete with his floppy hair and exotic Canadian flair, there was nothing this kid didn’t have.

He followed strong with “Baby” (I still have to thank Ludacris for this verse) and “Somebody to Love” on My World 2.0. I will admit to docking some points for lack of creativity on the second album name, but he was still a heartthrob to 14-year-old Claire so it doesn’t really matter.

When he gave us that sweet, sweet Christmas album in 2011, it was over. I still listen to “Under the Mistletoe,” and I know you do too. Usher! Mariah Carey! Boyz II Men! Nobody, and I repeat nobody, is too cool for this album. If you prefer Michael Bublé’s, you’re old and you simply must reevaluate.

And then, as we all do, I went to high school and decided I was Cool with a capital C. And so I had to drop Bieber and my purple sweatshirt with him on it, trying to ignore March 1 as just another day. Here I would like to point out that Bieber is also a Pisces, so his emotional downfall shouldn’t be that surprising. I’m sure mine is coming.

And now we arrive at the egg-throwing incident, which is still hilarious even though it is a crime, obviously. Bieber egged a neighbor’s house in Calabasas in January 2014, and eventually added to his record with a DUI later that month. I watched as the flippy-haired boy of my dreams succumbed to the pressures of fame and flew off the deep end, a la Britney Spears. It was so sad to see, even my mom was upset.

After this huge disappointment and hard time for a past love of my life, I kind of forgot about him. Until I got smacked in the face by “Despacito” in 2017, just as the entire world did. I wish this version of the song wasn’t such a bop, but I do find myself humming it from time to time three years later. It’s not a good song, but it is catchy as hell, similar to any Taylor Swift song ever.

This was the start of Justin’s marketable comeback, in my humble opinion, and I was blasting “No Brainer” all summer 2018 long.

Then “Yummy” came and wrecked it all. I’m sorry, but what the fuck is this. Justin, c’mon now. Your wife can’t even like this song, and she is your wife. It is weirdly erotic yet has no real lyrics, and I can’t even understand what “Girl you got that yummy yummy” even means. Get it together, gimme some 2008 bops and throw whatever this is in the trash.

I admit I haven’t listened to all of his most recent accompanying album, Changes, released last month. Usually I would not write an article about an album I didn’t listen to, but honestly I’m busy and there is so much good music coming out right now that I just didn’t feel like wasting my time.

Pitchfork gave Changes a 4.5, and after “Yummy” I just really couldn’t stomach it. Sad, but true.

To conclude, I still have a soft spot in my heart for the Bieber of the past, and even a little piece for the tattooed 2020 Bieber. Hailey Baldwin is super hot, so he clearly did something right there, but I don’t get why she wouldn’t tell him to get a lyricist, or honestly just to try a little harder. I really, really want him to surprise me with some quality music, but for now, he seems to meant to be a feature and not a solo act.