Polls show that despite nearly 11 years of campaigning for the 2008 presidential election (the one between Barack Obama and John McCain) there are still voters in swing states who haven't decided for whom to vote.
This creates an awkward situation in which the two candidates from the major parties must continue to spend money and actually "campaign" in a brazen attempt to win votes for themselves at the expense of their opponent. Frankly, it's getting difficult to lampoon the process of deciding who is going to be the next leader of the free world, given the woefully unqualified candidates who comprise half of the ticket. At some point, hopefully nearer to Nov. 4 than later, Americans will choose to put in the executive office individuals with either three and a half or one and a half years of questionable experience.
Hopkins students, like most smart people, are not usually undecided voters. The problem there tends to be that decided voters understand issues, align themselves with candidates and therefore rarely change their minds. As such, and based on a fervent desire not to spill precious ink with further insight into a race that cannot possibly contain any more meaningful developments (other than recent revelations that Governor Palin is a creationist and believes that crude oil is no more than 6,000 years old), I've decided to compile a list of predictions based on what we know of the candidates and their political claims to this point.
Oct. 5, 2008: Senator McCain is forced to suspend campaigning on a swing through New York when the Straight Talk Express briefly catches fire after getting too close to the Wall Street meltdown.
Oct. 2, 2008: Proving that she's more than just an obvious pander choice to female voters and horny men, Governor Palin soundly defeats Senator Biden in the vice-presidential debate. Pundits are stunned as Governor Palin demonstrates exhaustive and nuanced knowledge on foreign relations, the economy, energy production and Middle Eastern policy.
Oct. 7, 2008: At a town hall debate, Senator McCain successfully explains for the first time the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite.
Oct. 8, 2008: After failing to win the second debate, Senator Obama is heard asking an advisor, "Wasn't I once good at public speaking?"
Oct. 15, 2008: Brit Hume of Fox News declares Senator McCain winner of the final debate before Senator Obama even appears on stage after McCain successfully raises his right arm over his head. Following up on the foreign affairs debate, which kicked off with a question on the American financial crisis, Bob Schieffer of CBS News asks a relevant question on American influence in Estonia, which neither candidate can locate on a map.
Oct. 16, 2008: Senator Obama backtracks, clarifies and re-explains several hypothetical positions.
Oct. 18, 2008: In an unequivocal middle-finger to critics of his age, McCain finishes the Columbus Marathon in battleground state Ohio in just two hours and 43 minutes, setting a new record for the 72-and-over age bracket.
Oct. 20, 2008: Bristol Palin becomes Bristol Johnston in the bonds of holy and legal matrimony. Husband Levi Johnston posts on his Myspace page, "I am so pumped to be a husband and a dad. I look forward to skipping college and enjoying the joys of domesticity. I am so glad I made this decision myself."
Oct. 22, 2008: Malia Ann Obama crush scandal breaks onto the Internet and grips the nation after the Illinois senator's oldest daughter is seen kissing a boy behind the swings on the playground. Unrelenting media refuses to leave ten-year-old alone.
Oct. 21, 2008: Senator Obama says that, if elected, he would appoint Governor Palin ambassador to Russia, citing her experience in dealing with that country.
Oct. 24, 2008: In Denver, a drunken and unanchored Chris Matthews is found by a roving, renegade SWAT team wandering through the streets of Minneapolis. Matthews repeatedly claims to be searching for the Republican National Convention and is crestfallen to discover that it has been over for nearly two months.
Oct. 25, 2008: As polls indicate that Democrats will take a 60-40 lead in the Senate, looking ahead to 2009 and wanting to at least have the chance to get his own initiatives voted down should he lose, McCain suspends own campaign until things change. Not to be outdone, nor understanding the political ramifications of such a move, Obama mercifully does too.
Nov. 4, 2008: Americans hold Democrats accountable for choosing a presidential candidate with no real political experience and Republicans accountable for choosing a vice presidential candidate with no political experience and stay home from the polls. All four candidates vote in their home states, which results in a popular vote tie but gives the Democrats a 24-13 edge in electoral votes.
