We, the student council of Johns Hopkins University, fearing for our resumés, we have elected to rewrite our constitution in order to appear more accessible to the student body while still maintaining the same mindset and principles as before. To that end we have made the informed decision to outsource the constitution writing duties to Shanna Doogan, local kindergarten student and legal whiz kid.
Preamble: We, these people, in order to form a differently structured union, have changed the structure of our organization to establish secrets, insure administrative tranquility, provide for the selling of Krispy Kremes, promote the general apathy and secure the blessings of a solid resumé and contact list for ourselves and out posterity so we do write this constitution upon the finest grade construction paper known to mortal man. Amen.
Article 1. Establishment.
Sec. 1: From henceforth, the body formerly know as the student council shall be referred to as the Johns Hopkins University Bake Sale & Cool Representative Association Playgroup.
Sec. 2: The playgroup will consist of one supreme warlock/witch to control all other playgroup members. The warlock is permitted to pretend to have magical powers and may or may not demonstrate those powers as he/she sees fit.
Sec 3: Each class shall elect four master bake sale liaisons responsible for planning the only fundraising event heretofore sanctioned by this constitution: the bake sale.
Sec. 4: All new members must sign a top-secret diary of secrets and wishes. They must also write down one secret or wish that they've never told anybody before, not even their dog/cat. Said diary is to be kept under the pillow of the presiding warlock. Should anyone find and read this diary the warlock must resign his/her position and run away, at least two blocks, with a serious intention of never coming back, ever.
Article 2. Bake Sales
Sec 1: Bake sales shall consist of super special mom brownies and funfetti cake or cup cakes. Krispy Kreme doughnuts must always be present. Any inclusion of tree nuts is strictly forbidden. (See clause on impeachment of playgroup members.)
Sec. 2: All details of secret brownie recipes must be kept secret. This means you can't even tell your best friend unless he/she is in the playgroup.
Article 3. Impeachment of playgroup members
Sec. 1: Members may be impeached for breach of aforementioned rules as well as:
-hogging apple juice at snack time
-having too much apple juice before meetings and giving yourself a bellyache rendering participation in the meeting difficult
-not sharing
-saying dirty words
-the Overfeeding of Zazoo the Council Gerbil
*For further information please refer to Zazoo Handbook, page three.
Article 4. Absences and voting.
Sec. 1: In the event that the council president cannot attend weekly meetings, veto power and responsibility shall be vested in Zazoo.
Zazoo's cage will be placed in the center of the circle, everyone sitting Indian style around it. When he takes a sip of water, that's a yes. When he does stinkies in his cage, that's a no. When he falls asleep the meeting is adjourned.
Sec. 2: All votes are simple majority. In the event that a majority vote cannot be reached, Ouija board will be consulted. In the event of an emergency, Ouija readings need not be conducted around campfire.
Article 5. Secrets and tree house privileges.
Sec. 1: Everything the playgroup does must be a secret. It isn't fair to tell people - even your best friend or your mom - other people's secrets. Someone's feelings might get hurt, and then you are a meanie which negatively impacts the entire group.
Sec. 2: All meetings are to be conducted high in the branches of the pine tree near Charles Street to the left of the Beach in a tree house which this constitution commands be constructed A secret fairy elevator that runs inside the trunk takes you up to the very top of the tree where a tree house sits. It appears very tiny but once you walk in there is enough room for everyone. There is unlimited apple juice and frosted animal crackers. Grown-ups cannot see aforementioned tree house so they never come inside. Meetings are to be held here at sunset every week.*
Thank you,
Shanna Doogan
