Last week, while photocopying fliers for a screening of new indie flick, I saw this set of papers sticking conspicuously out of the garbage can in the OSI lounge of the Mattin Center. I find the contents not only shocking but embarrassing for our class, student body and University. I feel that I have a responsibility to share my findings, as many people will witness and be party to the surprising, upsetting discoveries I have made.
December 5, 2007
7:00 p.m.: All members present.
7:03: Motion to close the meeting. Kim seconds. Unanimous vote.
7:05: Committee president begins open discussion.
7:30: Open discussion closed. Initial list of possible speakers is:
Kofi Annan
Alan Greenspan
Queen Noor
Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
J.D. Salinger
7:38: Hotlines for Mr. Annan, O'Brien and Lama are all busy. A formal message was posted on Mr. Obama's Facebook group.
7:45: Queen Noor is unavailable. After some discussion J.D. Salinger agrees but requests compensation; is removed from the list..
8:00 p.m.: Motion to revise list.
8:02: Kim seconds motion to revise list.
8:30: New list of possible speakers reads:
Alan Greenspan
Kurt Vonnegut
Rachael Ray
Chris Matthews
Dr. Phil
8:35: Discrepancy arises over Mr. Vonnegut's life status.
8:37: Motion to consult Wikipedia.
8:38: Amit seconds motion. Unanimous agreement.
8:40: Mr. Vonnegut is removed from list.
9:00 p.m.: Mr. Greenspan will be out of the country. Mr. Matthews and Dr. Phil taping respective television programs. Cracker endorsement-related conflict of interests with Aramark will prevent Ms. Ray from speaking.
9:02: Committee President expresses frustration, brief open discussion follows.
9:03: Committee President introduces initiative to procure refreshments. Committee chair allocates $35 for the purchase of plastic cups, various beverages and various beverage enhancers vis-??-vis aforementioned beverages. Ice is included in budget.
9:05: Dave appointed chairman of the Committee to Procure Refreshments for the StuCo Graduation Speaker Subcommittee
9:07: Dave exits the room.
9:10: Motion to revise speaker list. Amit seconds.
9:30: Dave returns.
9:35: Revised list reads:
Mayor Sheila Dixon
Paula Abdul
Famous doctor
Vin Diesel
9:45: Motion for second round of beverages. Fran seconds.
9:53: Paula Abdul otherwise engaged in post-production for film Bratz II: Brattier! Mayor Dixon unavailable.
9:58: Wikipedia consulted to settle discrepancy as to whether Vin Diesel was also dead. He isn't. Removed from list anyway.
10:00 p.m.: Motion to make a fourth draft of the list. Motion passes.
10:05: Fourth list:
Someone running for political office (Sheriff?)
Dave's mom
The inventor of Purell
Alex Mack
10:07: Motion to remove the Purell guy from the list because Denise is the only person who thinks it's a good idea. Motion passes 6-1 with Denise dissenting.
10:15: Motion to agree that the girl who played Alex Mack was also in Never Been Kissed.
10:16: 5-2 vote in favor of agreeing that Alex Mack was in Never Been Kissed.
10:20: Motion for more drinks. Motion passed.
10:21: Dave's mom is busy with Dave's dad, so she can't speak at graduation haha.
10:23: Motion to recess for bathroom breaks.
11:10 p.m.: After brief recess, meeting resumes.
NEVER O'CLOCK: THE GIRL TAKING NOTES IS A DOUCHE!!!!! DON'T BELIEVE HER!
!1:06: Control of computer regained.
11:29 MOTION TO DECLARE THAT I'm NOT A DOUCHE AND THE COMMITTEE PRESIDENT IS ILLITERATE. MOTION PASSES
11:10: A party foul has been committed. There has been a spill on the table! We need to clean it!
-Amit removes old MSE poster from committee meeting room door. Poster approved for table wipeage uses.
Table is wiped.
NEW LIST DISCOVERED!
Christopher Hitchens,
David Simon,
Martin O'Malley,
Danny Glover,
Rory Kennedy,
Bill Nye the Science Guy,
The Capitol Steps,
Edward James Olmos, sponsored by Milton S. Eisenhower speaker series
-Motion that Bill Nye could do experiments while he talks, light podium on fire and put it out with his eyes. might be magical. Could make diplomas form recycled cups and napkins, which would be green. Can talk to animals?
11:30: Wiki consulted, Bill Nye cannot speak to animals.
11:35: No one wants to call anyone except Danny Glover and he won't pick up. Even though we say we are Mel Gibson.
11:39: Motion to confirm Bill Nye as graduation speaker and performer with scientific apparatus. Unanimous vote to approve William P. Nye as grad speaker.
