There are some things you should know about federal sex laws: They're vague, sometimes contain loopholes and are rarely as entertaining as I'd like.
I find these laws to be totally reasonable and not at all preventive of a fantastic sex life. The only restrictions are ones that are reasonable to have in place anyway. You can still have kinky sex as long as you don't sacrifice a goat in the process and as long as you don't break any of the regular criminal code.
Quite frankly, the federal sex laws are some of the most reasonable statutes I've seen. It's the state laws that get obscure and unfairly restrictive.
Here's a summary of the intents to avoid, all taken from Title 18, Part I of U.S. Code:
Don't intend to commit a sexual act with a minor. Especially don't intend it while transporting said minor across state lines.
Loophole: Wait till she's 18. Or cease to be so bad at life. And don't worry about your girlfriend who's still in high school: There's a legitimate legal loophole for close-in-age cases.
Just for clarification and ass-covering's sake, a sexual act is very explicitly defined in Chapter 109A, Section 2246. The key word here is contact. Specifically, penis-vulva, penis-anus, mouth-penis, mouth-vulva and mouth-anus.
Keep in mind that the slightest penetration counts. Furthermore, sexual misconduct can include the penetration with genitals, hands, fingers or "any object" into the anal or genital opening.
Possible loophole: all those deviant non-pubic orifices.
Don't intend to commit an illicit sex act while abroad. Illicit acts are any sexual act with an individual under 18, regardless of what the age of consent is where you might have traveled.
Loophole: Pay the 14-year-old single mother and heroin addict to tell you, in detail, what she would do to you if it were legal.
Federal law defines a commercial sex act as receiving or giving "anything of value" in exchange for a sexual act. I hope I can "exchange" the guy in the front row of my early morning lecture or a chair from the nearest common room. Your window screen could probably get you at least an hour if you bargain well.
When it comes to stalking, don't intend to kill, cause injury, harass or place them under surveillance. That's right, the U.S. Government won't let you stalk people if you're going to kill them later. You also can't intend to cause substantial emotional distress to the family or partner/spouse of the person you may be stalking.
Loophole: Be a benign lurker.
Not a loophole: stalking your local sex columnist, no matter how mesmerizing her eyes may be.
You should also avoid "captur[ing] an image of the private area of an individual without their consent" when that individual can reasonably expect privacy. That includes all visual and audio recordings, as well as the broadcasting thereof.
The private areas you shouldn't intend to capture are the naked or undergarment-clad "genitals, pubic area, buttocks or female breast (below the top of the areola)."
Loophole: man boobs. Hopefully you can control your urge to provide a bra and/or cry later.
It's pretty hard to imagine a situation when someone could take a picture of your genitals when you're not reasonably expecting privacy. Unless someone does a Marilyn Monroe impression on the air vent in which you happen to reside, you're basically indictable.
By the way, none of that applies to law enforcement, correctional or intelligence activity. Looks like I've got a new career plan.
Completing any of these acts, facilitating them or being an accomplice yields exactly the same punishment.
Intending to be a pimp in Maryland? $10,000 fine and up to 10 years' imprisonment. Being a pimp? $10,000 fine and up to 10 years' imprisonment.
The punishments are generally pretty reasonable - fines determined case by case, jail time anywhere from under one year (first time video voyeurism, for example) to 30 years (such as traveling with the intent to commit a sex act with a minor).
Loophole: Establish a small nation on one of the ice caps while they last.
If you're wondering, the laws about rape, prostitution, domestic abuse and child abuse are also in Title 18, Chapter 1. I'm not comfortable covering them, since I don't have the experience or resources to properly address the extremely loaded issues contained therein.
It seems to this columnist that there is never an excuse for rape and never an excuse for domestic abuse. There is no reason to claim that prostitution is a victimless crime, and never, ever is there an excuse for harming a child.
It's sad that there have to be such strict laws so explicitly enumerated and we can't just function on a general level of decency.
For those of us who do function on a basic humanist principle, the U.S. government allows us to have pretty fruitful and enjoyable sex lives.
So go to a frat party, have some legitimate and safe sex and pack up your video camera.
