Incoming freshman and three-time Center for Talented Youth participant Dan Maselli garnered immediate respect and attention last week when, after his student advisor attempted to give him directions, he remarked, "Oh, that's okay, I've actually been here before."
He elaborated: "Yeah, I actually came here like three years ago. And the year before that. I was actually in CTY, you know, Center for Talented Youth, you know, selected for my mathematical skills and overall competence in thermodynamics. You know."
These days, Maselli is easily spotted on the paths he walks with such awe-inspiring purpose. His obvious confidence and palpable sense of direction have elicited much admiration from his peers and feelings of extreme arousal from many women. "He's just so worldly," Amanda, another freshman said. "I feel like there's just so much he could teach me. Like, how to get from Shriver to Bloomberg in the allotted 10 minutes. Hot."
Maselli himself chuckles at these reactions. "Well, I've found that exuding raw sexual energy comes naturally if you know where you're going," he said. "I pretty much found Olin on my first try. Bet you didn't know that the fastest way there from AMR II is actually in between Macaulay and Mergenthaler. 'Cause I did know."
Not content to simply know his way around, Maselli takes pride in being one of the few freshmen who know the "real names" of several campus buildings - the FFC and Charles Street Market, for instance. "FFC actually used to be called the Terrace," he said. "A lot of people don't know that. Did you know that? Yeah, I figured you didn't know that. But it's true. The Charles Street Market was called the Depot for a while. Those are their real names. I'm sick of this new-name bullshit."
He called the rechristening of popular Charles Village restaurant Rocky Run (now called Bert's) a "similar travesty," despite never having eaten there.
Maselli also complains that he "just can't stand it" when freshmen talk about the Keyser and Wyman Quads. "It's called Upper and Lower!" he said. "Who are these people? Who cares that those were the names printed on our orientation packets?"
As a CTY participant, Maselli amassed a large collection of school lore to complement his seemingly supernatural sense of geography - secrets he believes only a handful of students are aware of. "Like the library," he said. "You know what actually happens in the library? You know? I won't say anything. What? O.K., I will. Sex. Sex happens in the library."
Referring, perhaps, to the infamous "D-Level Challenge," Maselli assures the News-Letter that raunchy, often unprotected and completely promiscuous porn-style sex happens almost daily in the depths of the MSE Library. "I don't actually know why they call it a Challenge, though," he admitted. "Maybe because they can't find the right place to do it. I pretty much know the right place to do it."
Maselli also claims to have extensive knowledge of the area surrounding campus - a familiarity more typical of an upperclassman.
He knows, in addition to local businesses and other hot spots, the names and exact locations of every fraternity, as well as their annual list of events. Maselli says that he has been to "pretty much every party that has happened."
"You might have seen me last week at Sig Ep's game night," he said.
"I was the guy drinking the beer. A lot of beer. Wow, I totally drank so much beer. It's okay though, I know how to get home without any help."
