This week, Orgasmic Chemistry and Blue Balls go head to head over the age-old stumper: to spit or to swallow?
When your grandmother bakes you an unbearable tuna casserole, you eat it. You do this as a sacrifice, performed out of generosity and loyalty. It may not be the greatest of fine dining, but you do it because you love her. Swallowing cum is not exactly the same thing, but it's similar.
Of course swallowing cum does not feature in every man's sexual fantasies, although that assumption is often made. Nor do I mean that swallowing is some kind of imperative. This world has enough men who presume that every girlfriend, boyfriend and frat party whore whom they encounter will stomach it and like it. If you're lucky enough to get a blowjob in the first place, there's no need to be an imperious D-bag.
That being said, there are lots of reasons to swallow that everyone can appreciate. Here are a few. If you're a giver of head, consider this food for thought. If you're on the receiving end, hey, you might charmingly bring these up over dinner tonight.
First, consider the taste. Make no boners about it, semen is full of sugary goodness. The seminal plasma (the liquid part of semen) is loaded with fructose, the sweetest of the natural sugars. This is because the sperm need lots of food in order to make the arduous journey from the testes to ovaries. There are no rest stops along the insemination superhighway; instead, the seminal vesicle charges the plasma with fructose, which nourishes the sperm as they travel. It's like this dream I had once where I was swimming in a lake of Jell-O.
As my fellow columnista points out, semen often isn't that tasty. This is because the seminal plasma contains small amounts of some absolutely horrid-sounding amino acids, including "putrescine" and "cadaverine," which give semen make semen slightly bitter. Small amounts, mind you.
It's a two-way street. Which means three things: 1. The deeper you (the giver) go, the less you taste these acids. 2. If you (the receiver) want it so much, why not try it yourself? 3. If you (the receiver) want to be swallowed, your lover has the right to ask the same of you when you go down on them.
As Ashley also points out, the right eating habits can make semen taste a whole lot better. So get a load of this: swallowing can be used as an incentive for your boyfriend to eat healthily. Tell your lad that if he would just cut back on the cigarettes, drugs, junk food and beer, his semen would taste better. Red meat, fish and dairy also make semen less palatable - another reason why vegetarian men get all the honeys. So, the next time you give head, threaten to spit unless he gets his daily three to five servings of veggies.
In a relationship, swallowing can be used as a bargaining chip for all occasions. The way I see it, you can play the "I Swallowed" card for up to 24 hours post gulp. Valid uses include, "I swallowed, so you have to do the dishes;" "I swallowed, so you get to take out the garbage;" and "I swallowed, so you can pop down to Charles Street Market and buy another bottle of K-Y lube. They keep it next to the frappuccinos."
There is a further reason to start a tab with Willie the Bartender: it's much cleaner. Semen leaves a temporary blemish on fabrics, meaning you have to get out the soap and water, or find an alternative place for your dorm room visitors to sit. Swallow in the name of tidiness! Even Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle would approve.
Finally, don't underestimate the spiritual potency of swallowing semen. Semen features prominently in initiation rituals among men in the Sambia and Etoro people of Papua New Guinea. In both groups, semen is linked with masculinity, strength and maturity.
In the Abrahamic religions, things are a little different, but still, as my favorite Biblical scholars say, "Every sperm is sacred." The book of Genesis' 38th chapter tells a story -- one your Sunday school teacher probably omitted -- in which God kills Onan, a son of Judah, for "spilling his seed."
You may adopt your own Biblical interpretation. Mine says: swallow, and God will love you.
These arguments are oh-so-undeniably compelling, and you're probably already looking forward to swallowing, or being swallowed, as the case may be. But if you are among the latter, don't automatically expect your loved one to be completely gung-ho for your cum. Consider a bit of salesmanship. Effective branding is key. Two things to keep in mind: First, soft-pedal the putrescine. Second, avoid referring to your semen as "cock snot." Try "albino love chutney"
