n my quaint New England town, summer activities for teenagers aren't your normal minimum wage fry-scooping, blue jean-folding jobs. My friends were employed as antique dealers for New York City tourists, sailing instructors for spoiled children at the local yacht club, caddies for stuffy big-tipping men, and nannies for career women and receptionists in seaside motels. I chose something a little spicier -- my town's upscale lingerie boutique.
The apparel in this little shop makes Victoria' Secret merchandise look like trailer trash outfits. We sold everything -- lace thongs, silk stockings, corsets and garter belts. Then of course there was the naughty room, which included crotch-less and ass-less panties, cup-less bras and even dildo harnesses. One of my favorite products were silicone nipples that lend the illusion of perky, cold nipples. It was a very educational summer, to say the least.
As exciting as nipple clamps are, the boutique is known for its professional bra-fitting. That summer, I learned everything and anything about breasts and bras. The most important lesson was sizing. While most everyone believes that cup sizes run from an AA to a DD, how is it that both Jessica Simpson and Pamela Anderson have DD's? This scale can't encompass the women who are carrying four extra pounds on their chest.
A more accurate scale used by professional lingerie companies in England, France and Italy ranges from a 28-56 inch waistband and (ready for this?) AA to JJ cup size. Maternity nursing bras even run up to an M cup. To answer your question, yes, I have seen a JJ cup size. These are large women with suffocating, large breasts. These breasts have so much weight that they can crush a beer can -- I saw it on The Man Show the one time I actually watched it. (I swear it was only once!) On the other side of the spectrum is the 30 AA for women who have pre-teen lumps.
If you want to compare your inaccurate department store size to the correct European size, subtract a band size and go up a cup size. For example, Victoria's Secret claims I'm a 32C but in actuality I'm a 30D. This doesn't really work for girls with larger racks because although you may think you're a DD, there's a great chance you're actually a GG.
Because about 75 percent of women are wearing the wrong size, many feel that their breasts are inadequate when in actuality, it's their bra's fault. Breasts are made out of three things: fat, mammary glands, and Cooper's
ligaments, which lift and hold the breasts in place. Over time, the ligaments lose their elasticity and the breasts begin to sag. Hence why older women's chests touch their stomachs (so unappetizing).
By wearing the right bra that holds up your breasts, gravity has no effect on the Cooper's ligaments. Great bras equal perky boobs, which equal guys.
How do you find the right bra? There are specific things to look for when bra-shopping. If you feel squishy breast tissue spilling beyond the cup seam under your arm, your cup size is too small. The waistband should not move up your back if you bend down. Rather, it should sit low on your back -- perfectly horizontal and tight enough for you to fit only two fingers under the back band. You should really feel the tension of the straps pulling up your breasts and holding them in place.
The best indicator of a good bra is the gore, the middle area in between the two cups, which should lie flat against your chest. When trying on a bra, you need to place your whole breast in the cup. Reach into your cup like your eighth-grade boyfriend and grab your entire boob, lifting it up and out. Your nipple should be at the dart where the seams meet.
One last piece of advice: Always hand wash your bras and never put them in the dryer, as the elastic will lose its strength.
Now that you have the bra on, how do you get it off? Or actually how does your partner get it off? Watching guys struggle with such a tiny clasp is so entertaining. In order to give the gentlemen accurate instructions, I have attached a bra to a pillow American Pie style. (Thank God no one is here to witness this.)
Using two hands, grab the two straps of the waistband. First, pull the bottom strap and top strap tighter in opposite directions towards each other. Then pull the top strap at an upwards angle while slightly angling the bottom strap downward.
The hook should simply pop off the eye clasps. Do not use a lot of force; when done properly, less strength is required to take off a bra than to open a bag of chips. When I said use your hands, I really mean use your first three fingers. Don't bear claw her back with your big man hands.
An impressive skill to have is the one-handed bra removal. Do not attempt this if you don't know what you're doing,: you'll look foolish. Place your thumb on the edge of the top strap, your pointer finger on the bottom strap near your thumb, and your other fingers behind the strap supporting your pointer finger. Pinch the two straps together using your thumb and pointer finger, forcing the clasp to lift up. Grab the hooks to release them from the bottom strap, pulling it up and out. Ta Da! Or rather Tatas! It's motor boating time.
Lingerie is fun to experiment with, as there are so many options. You'd be shocked at the some of the things out there: strings of pearls in seemingly uncomfortable areas, mesh unitards and lace in every imaginable body crevice. Anything with feathers is not sexy but cheap. In my opinion, a black bra and thong underneath a trench coat with black heels is the hottest thing possible. Be creative but don't overload on lace and detailing. Looking like a decorated cupcake is not sexy.
