Dating Do's and Don'ts

Shaking his head over a cup of peanut butter gelato in the Charles Commons, senior Matt D -- a neuroscience major who has asked not to be further identified due to his lack of dating know-how -- laments.

"I was in here yesterday, and I saw this girl who was -- she was attractive, and she was dressed like she may have been a hipster -- not quite a hipster but hippily dressed, you know? Right there in the pizza line," he said giddly.

"So then I thought, maybe I should write my number down on a piece of paper and give it to her, it's not quite stalkerish but you know, just throwing it out there," he continued with his arms wildly gesticulating.

And then?

"And then I didn't," he said plainly. "I don't know, I guess I just didn't have the balls or I didn't want to weird her out or whatever. Maybe that's the problem around here, Hopkins guys just don't have balls."

There was nodding and general agreement from the ladies at the table.

"Maybe you shouldn't put my name," Matt said.

Dating: an often humiliating, always exciting ritual that, for one inexplicable reason or another, we're all tempted to try. And while Hopkins students are adept at so many things -- biomedical engineering, fiction and poetry, computer science -- many have been aghast to find that their academic prowess does not translate into the dating arena. Read on for a few helpful hints on how to survive -- and even find success in -- the treacherous Hopkins dating scene.

WHAT TO DO IN THE DATING WORLD

Ask them out. For girls and guys alike, being asked out is flattering. Unfortunately, as we saw from the experience of even a handsome and socially adept veteran of the dating scene as Matt, it can also be a pretty scary thing to do. Asking someone out doesn't have to be such an ordeal, however. Invite them to hang out with your friends, or to go to the party of mutual friends. While you're there, get to know each other well enough that suggesting a second date isn't so dramatic.

Score a second date. But this time, no groupies -- and no Ruby Tuesday's, either. The goal is to have a good time and do something special: not necessarily expensive, romantic or corny, but memorable. Walk to Pete's Grill for some pancakes, go to Brewer's Art or the Thirsty Dog and try some weird flavor of beer, or go to a movie at the Charles. If you have a good time, it's smooth sailing from here. Gentlemen, pay the first time. In fact a gentlemen should always offer to pay -- but after the first few times, a lady will offer to split the check.

WHAT NEVER, EVER TO DO

Drink more than your date. Hopkins is home to the most eccentric kids in the country, but there are a few things that nobody likes: babysitting, vomit, loss of bladder control, date rape or Union Memorial. And if your date's not drinking, you're not drinking either.

Stalk. No, no, no: the biggest no-no in the world, and also the faux-pas Hopkins students are most inclined to make (we can be a little tightly wound, if you know what I mean). There's a difference between doing your homework and stalking. Doing your homework entails finding out if someone is single and what they like to do; stalking entails obsessively reading away messages and showing up wherever the said person has gone, calling multiple times after leaving a voicemail or text message, or reading Facebook.com mini-feeds. Keep it in check: no means no.

Dress like you're going to the library; it'sp an almost and immediate date death sentence. According to Hop Couture columnist and Hopkins fashion guru Carter Cramer, "Leave the cargo pants at home -- we're not going hiking, people. I don't want to see any headbands or hoodies, either: total moment-ruiners. Girls, always wear heels. All guys love heels, even if they don't know it yet. And no girl likes t-shirts on dates, so polos or button-downs are a must." No shower shoes, either.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Date. Leave the library, give PS2 the night off and give your quirky co-eds a chance. Sure, you might regret it -- but more likely you'll end up with a good time, a good laugh or in the Hopkins tradition, a spouse.