It has become a phenomenon. "Ex" used to just be a former lover. Recently, a combination of slang and relationship behavior has caused it to become a verb, "to ex": to hook-up or, in some cases, get back together with an old boyfriend or girlfriend.
Before this year, I couldn't imagine getting back with an ex. I was originally hoping to write this article from some moral high ground. But falling from grace has showed me both sides to the issue: It's hard giving up good sex, but it's also hard to remain emotionally unattached.
When we talk about ex-ing there are two types: those who are just going back for a bootie call and those who forget why they broke-up in the first place and do the whole dance over again. While either option can be fine in some cases, ex-ing can be emotionally damaging and dangerous in others.
Unfortunately, there is a very fine line between purely physical ex-ing and becoming emotionally attached. Many emotionally "unattached" relationships fall prey to probably the worst problem out there -- idealization. I'm not saying that people lose a sense of reality, but idealization leads either to angry sex or forgetting why it ended in the first place.
If your ex-ing is because of crazy sex, you're doing it for the wrong reason. A friend of mine found that when he began a purely physical relationship with his ex, he was able to be more sexually adventurous, asking for things he felt he couldn't have asked for during their relationship. When my friend told me this, I wondered why he couldn't have asked for what he wanted in bed before. As for the angry sex, you shouldn't have to objectify a person like that. You dated this person and at some point (hopefully) cared for this person, so you owe them more than that -- not to mention the rest of us a shot at entertaining the more interesting side of your sex life.
Those who forget about why they broke up in the first place and get back together are also in a dangerous situation. There's been an epidemic of, "I was confused. I'm getting back with my ex." Far be it for me to get in the way of future (pre)nuptials, but wasn't there a reason you broke up? While time can heal , and you can both grow up and be ready to try again, trying new sex positions shouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind. If sex enters the picture too soon or often, you will forget the reason it ended in the first place.
If this happens at school, it's one thing. Hopefully your friends will be there to smack you around a bit to stop you if it's really a bad idea.
At Hopkins, ex-ing is particularly prevalent and becomes more so as students come closer to graduation. There are only so many people here, and as a friend put it, by senior year everyone's tainted somehow. Hooking up with an ex is almost inevitable because of the constantly diminishing size of the Hopkins dating pool.
Reattaching yourself emotionally to someone back at home and is also a dangerous proposition. While it's fine to fool around once in awhile, going overboard can have disastrous consequences. Most people are emotional enough that if they keep constantly ex-ing, they become attached again. Unless you're on your way to the altar, or at least seriously believe it's possible, someone at home is really a security blanket that needs to be taken off.
Looking back home can be a way of distancing yourself -- the person you care about is far away from here and therefore so are you.
The fact that you have a neologism for going back to a person you've already decided you don't want to be with is frankly a little frightening. Make sure that if you partake in ex-ing, it's at least under the right circumstances.
Editors' Note: The columnist is not a trained medical professional. If you seek professional medical advice, please consult your doctor. To send questions anonymously, go to www.jhunewsletter.com and click on "Contact Us."
