Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
April 12, 2024

Considering the columns of many alternate realities

By JENNIFER DIAMOND | April 18, 2013

Once I read that the universe is so infinite that every possible scenario for life exists somewhere. Meaning that any time you or I make a decision, some alternate universe version of ourselves is choosing a different option. Wow. Isn’t the universe beautiful? Also, koala bears feed their young their own excrement.

Anyways, the idea of alternate universes got me thinking ... If I am writing a Hip Hop column about comedy in this universe, what are the alternate-reality-Jens writing about? So I thought and thought and thought. And then I had a quick snack. And then I thought some more. Finally, I wrote down this list and called it:

TITLES OF JEN DIAMOND’S ALTERNATE REALITY HIP HOP COLUMNS THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER GET TO READ UNLESS YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO TRAVERSE TIME AND SPACE*

Here we go.

1) Scuba Town – One of my alter egos is really into scuba diving and isn’t afraid of eels. She loooves to talk about her ocean adventures!

2) Where Should I Puke? – A column in which I write about and rate various locations to puke around campus.

3) AMERICA AMERICA AMERICA – For my super-patriotic alternate reality self. Some favorite quotations: “I love the flag.” “Please, can I have more apple pie?” “I don’t like it when you don’t sing the National Anthem in the morning.”

4) Don’t Pee in the Dehumidifier, Brad! – A whimsical confessional column in which I talk about my wacky roommate Brad and all the hijinks he gets up to.

5) Gross, a Honda – for some reason, this alternate reality self really hates Hondas and is super vocal about it.

6) The 1994 Grammy Awards – In this column, I recap the 1994 Grammy Award Ceremony over and over again. Sometimes I am respectful towards the winners, other times I am sassy and sarcastic.

7) Getting Punny – A column that honors blog-puns. Some favorites: just a BLOG in the machinery, the BLOG prince, and it’s raining cats and BLOGS.

8) Hardball with Crazy Eye Jen – This column exists in an alternate reality where everything is the Wild West. I am a stern but fair cowgirl who isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions.

9) Hot or Not: Stove Edition – A column that allows visitors to scroll through and vote whether or not pictures of stoves are hot or not. I then record videos of myself touching the stoves to demonstrate whether or not voters were correct in their guesses.

10) Pictures of My Sims Sleeping – This one is probably already a Tumblr. It’s pretty straight forward.

So there you have it. I cannot say for sure that all these Hip Hop columns occur in alternate universes, but their existence seems like a good bet. Let this list be a reminder that no matter how goofy or silly you feel, there is always an alternate reality version of yourself somewhere out there who is way weirder.

*If you can do this, please tell scientists how. It will probably help them with their science.


Have a tip or story idea?
Let us know!

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The News-Letter.

Podcast
Multimedia
Alumni Weekend 2024
Leisure Interactive Food Map
The News-Letter Print Locations
News-Letter Special Editions