Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
October 28, 2021

A “How to do Thanksgiving better” guide

By JENNIFER DIAMOND | November 29, 2012

Thanksgiving has just finished blossoming all around us like an artichoke bursting forth from its stem-thing. I figured it only right to write a Turkey Day-themed Hip Hop post. Now that the holiday has officially passed, this seems like a perfect time for some deep reflection on it.

Oh, Thanksgiving. Oh, turkeys. Oh, my dog throwing up pieces of the decorative pumpkins she always seems to eat. (Come on, dog. Don’t eat that – it’s called decorative pumpkin for a reason. Duh.) Thanksgiving is fun and delicious — we all know that. But it can also be a trying time for even the best of us (Leonardo DiCaprio). Families are rowdy, things get messy, sometimes there are fist fights, blah blah you know the drill. Sometimes you may find yourself asking, “how do we get through this every year?!” Take a deep breath. I’m here to help. I spent pretty much my entire Thanksgiving dinner compiling the best tips on how to deal into a helpful, comprehensive list which I like to call JEN DIAMOND’S GUIDE TO HAVING THE BEST THANKSGIVING EVA. Here we go:

- It’s often easy to forget Thanksgiving’s roots. Resurrect the spirit of the pilgrims and create a fun and educational family tradition by demanding to be called something like ‘Patience Brewster’ and loudly sobbing over the “poor Roanoke colony.”

- If you’re tired of your own family, show up at a stranger’s house and insist that you’re part of their brood. Remember, there is no way for them to be totally sure that you are not the most mysterious relation: a cousin.

- Put the turkey on your head! People love this joke. It never gets old.

- Is your family arguing over dumb stuff? Put things in perspective by reminding them of how the pilgrims used to have to use old fish as fertilizer for their crops. Ew, über-gross.

- When everyone is going around the table saying what they are thankful for, say, “I am thankful that I am learning to control my thirst for blood,” and refuse to say anything else all evening.

- When the TV coverage gets boring yell, “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day PARADE?! I thought you said Macy’s Thanksgiving Day GRENADE!” and then blow stuff up.

- People love football on Thanksgiving! Give your friends and family a whimsical surprise by spontaneously tackling them throughout the evening.

- Don’t feel thankful for anything? Don’t worry! Google “what should I be thankful for?” and you’ll get tons of fun suggestions like, “small mercies” and “dishwashers.”

-Bring a live turkey to the meal. Watch it grow increasingly uncomfortable as its survivor’s guilt sets in. Realize this is cruel and try to console the poor bird by feeding it some mashed potatoes. This experience will help you learn humility, or at least what it’s like to touch a live turkey.

So as you can see, there are plenty of things you can do to spice up the typical dysfunction and/or drollness of your Thanksgiving feast. And now you have a whole year to mull over these tips and prepare for next year! Pfewf!

In closing, I’d like to quote the great Benjamin Franklin, a famous turkey-lover: “Gobble, gobble – gobble, gobble.” Happy belated Thanksgiving, everyone.

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