It's sad to say, but after being away for a semester I almost missed the Hopkins scene. Almost. If nothing else, I missed the predictability of this campus, or I guess just what we perceive as such. Coming back to school with a semester of distance between me and my nights at PJ's or just hanging around Charles Village, somewhat of a new perspective has hit me.
I came back to a situation that my friend Adriana (names have been changed to protect the innocent) was dealing with. Here's the Cliff's Notes version: she hooked-up with Guy A, and it was good. Then:
Unsuspecting girl wanting play: Want to head back home with me?
Guy with commitment issues: No.
UGWP: Umm ... ok, why not?
GWCI: I don't hook-up with the same girl two nights in a row. If you hook-up with a girl two nights in a row, she'll think you're her boyfriend.
Hmm, interesting. I'm happy I finally got that memo. As Adriana said, "Who says that? Even if you think it, just don't say it."
Now, I'm all for giving yourself rules - I have a few of them and they keep my life somewhat sane. But really, at least make the rules based on correct information. One of the main issues that comes up in relationships (or booty calls, or whatever type of interpersonal interaction you're going for) is this idea that girls always want boyfriends. Granted, girls are more likely to look for relationships than, let's say, second semester senior guys, but I'm sure you can find second semester seniors in relationships just as well as you can find girls of all ages (*cough* not just freshmen *cough*) just looking for a little late night entertainment.
I think the basic fallacy here is that guys just want sex, while girls just want spooning. Spooning is great, and I'll be the first one to line-up for a certified cuddle-bitch (if you haven't Googled "The Ladder Theory" by now, get to it) but sometimes a good hook-up is just that. And if it's good once, why not repeat it?
Now, let's say you're hooking-up four-plus nights a week - then you are entering into "we need to talk" territory. But really, are two hook-ups too much? Come on, why pass-up an encore performance?
If I heard this excuse, I would assume that either a) he has someone else he was planning to hook-up with that night that I didn't notice, or b) the interest was one-sided. If interest was one-sided, come up with a better excuse, namely something that doesn't leave the girl asking, "Who says that?" And if you're taking your chances with someone else that night, "I can't tonight" will suffice. If need be, just throw in something about getting up very early tomorrow.
To be fair, it is more likely that a girls will get attached than a guy - and this is one of the reasons that I'm not always a fan of post hook-up sleepovers. But making the assumption that she's trying to trap herself a boyfriend really seems odd since most girls I know find the best boyfriend in friends, not in the random hook-ups. When guys actively assert that stereotype, they just keep the pesky maxim around: that girls always want someone. Sorry to say, but most girls do issue some quality control.
Attachment is something that people will deal with in different ways - some people avoid hooking-up altogether and thus avoid all the problems (while taking on all the other whiny characteristics of someone on a mission only for a boyfriend). On the other end of the spectrum, some people - especially girls - who have been hurt one too many times tend to get numb, which honestly seems almost as unhealthy.
After dealing with a barrage of newly single friends, it seems to me that whenever two people who don't know each other well meet in a bar without using their best judgment, no one is looking for a relationship. If they were, they would be with the "just a friend," most likely somewhere else.
Save everyone a lot of time and state things up front. I know disclaimers are rough, but it keeps things like "I don't hook-up with girls two nights in a row" from having to be said later. I've known guys to say, "I just don't want a relationship right now," and the female proper response is either "Great, neither do I. Are you coming upstairs now?" or, "Um, ok, I guess that means we'll both be sleeping alone tonight." It's awkward, but it's better than the alternative: the same awkwardness, just a night later.
Two hook-ups does not make a girlfriend, but one comment like that definitely gets you into a column.
