Last year, I wrote a column on the wonders of the World Wide Web. In that column, I extolled the many virtues of the Internet, including its uses for gathering information, communicating with others, downloading music and looking at pornography. A whole lot of pornography. But since the writing of that column so many months ago, I've come to realize that the Internet isn't so great after all. In fact, it's pretty flawed. Let's examine three of these flaws in detail.
E-MAIL SPAM
The other day, I got an e-mail with an interesting subject: "Fw: Hungry Moms wants to date you." I was excited at first. Oh man, I thought, hungry moms want to date me! Good thing I stocked up on food! However, upon closer inspection, I realized it said "Hungry Moms wants to date you," rather than "Hungry Moms want to date you." As any English major knows, this changes things entirely. Rather than multiple hungry mothers lusting after me, it seemed that Hungry Moms was actually one person. One person by the name of Hungry Moms.
This brought up a whole new batch of questions. Is Hungry Moms a he or a she? Is it Mr. Moms, or Ms. Moms, or Mrs. Moms? Could it be, dare I say, Dr. Moms? Am I being pursued by someone with a PhD? And seriously, who names their kid Hungry?
It is this cryptic ambiguity that makes e-mail spam so frustrating. I get new spam almost every day, each message coming from a mysterious stranger. Here are some of the names I have received spam from in the last few weeks:
Imperatively O. Adjutant
Plunderer U. Jaunting
Musicales E. Curriculum
Sunsetting A. Nicklaus
Afghan H. Deducible
Longitude Q. Cesspool
Orientals G. Oratorio
Concentration H. Golfer
Some of the spam mails I get are so minimalist, they border on postmodern. One such e-mail from "Topcoat O. Nonliving" arrived with the informative subject line of "cootie." Here's the e-mail message, in all its glorious entirety:
Algonquin
As you can see, Mr. Nonliving knows quite a bit about writing complex and thought-provoking e-mails. He also seems to like American Indian tribes. I think we can all learn something from his masterful ability to say so much with so little. God bless you, Topcoat.
ONLINE JOURNALS
With the popularity of the Internet growing exponentially, the rise of online diaries and journals was inevitable. People began signing up on sites such as LiveJournal or OpenDiary, posting their daily thoughts and musings for all the world to read. In theory, this sounds like a good idea. It helps people keep track of their friends' lives, as well as giving writers a public outlet to express themselves, creatively or emotionally. It's also great for stalking.
However, in reality, people tend to use these journals as an outlet for something a little less useful: ambiguous whining. Whenever I view my Friends page on LiveJournal, I often see a bunch of entries like this:
"OMG I want to die"
"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME"
"ugh!!!! ew ew ew"
"I wish this would all go away, I'm so lame"
"everyone is a jerk, wah wah wah"
"bleh, I need to stop dating hungry moms"
There's really no point to these entries, other than trying to attract pity. I think we'd all be better off if they started a new site, PityJournal, where all these people could whine to each other endlessly, forming a massive Vortex of Misery that would grow larger and larger until it eventually collapsed upon itself, sending out a four-dimensional bubble of sorrow at the speed of light, instantly destroying the entire site and everyone on it. Then we could all go out to dinner and have a good laugh about it.
SMARTERCHILD
Ever since that Hal dude started talking smack in 2001: A Space Odyssey, people have been obsessed with the concept of artificial intelligence. Recent advances in technology have brought us ever closer to this goal of a truly intelligent computer. However, we still have a long way to go. Case in point: SmarterChild.
SmarterChild is one of the more popular bots on AOL Instant Messenger. Talking to SmarterChild allows you to find information on weather, stocks, movie times, and sports, as well as play games and access reference materials. However, if you just want to talk, you can also "have a conversation" with SmarterChild. This is possible through the magic of artificial intelligence. Talking to SmarterChild is just like talking to a real person ... a real person with the mental capacity of a rock. A really, really dumb rock.
It's impossible to have a conversation with SmarterChild that goes deeper than "what's your favorite food." One time, I tried to discuss existentialism with SmarterChild. Here's the extent of our conversation:
Me: Nietzsche says God is dead.
SmarterChild: :(
Obviously, SmarterChild isn't one for philosophical discourse. Or any sort of discourse. He'd probably make a good president, though.
CONCLUSION
The Internet is destroying the moral fabric of our society and needs to be fixed now. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for a hot date tonight. With a certain Hungry Moms.
Matt Diamond holds the world record for "least world records" and can be contacted at PianoMattD@aol.com.
