APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
This article is part of our series Opposing Viewpoints, where Alex Hecksher Gomes, a troubled student with no clear sense of self, peddles lies, half-truths and tales about his body in conversation with Alex Hecksher Gomes. You can find the opposing piece for this article here.
To start off, I want to make it clear that I do not want to be writing this little piece. Furthermore, I do not care for or endorse any of the second-rate, vomit-inducing garbage published by senior Alex Hecksher Gomes. However, I felt my response was merited considering Hecksher Gomes’ extremely flawed and overly indulgent writing on me. I don’t know what kind of two-bit hussies The News-Letter has on its writing staff, but Alex Hecksher Gomes is the hussiest by far.
My goal here is not another character assassination, but instead a desperate attempt to resuscitate my character, which Hecksher Gomes so happily decided to drag through the mud for his own readership. Newsflash, babe: No one reads your pulpy filth anyways. If I wanted to read the incoherent ramblings of a rosé addict, I’d give a Mad Lib to my pet goldfish.
But again, I’m not here to launch any more personal attacks. I am instead here to correct the gross mischaracterization in Hecksher Gomes’ article. First, I take issue with Hecksher Gomes describing my hemorrhoids as “chronic.” I will have it on the record that my hemorrhoids are seasonal at best (or at worst). I don’t know, but either way I am not bleeding “like a sickly Victorian arm during bloodletting season.” Where did you learn to write like a virgin away at virginity school?
Also, yes, I did scream that I have hemorrhoids. I have no regrets. It was, in a word, freeing. I was bleeding out of more than just my ass that night — I was bleeding out of my heart. We all come to college afraid we won’t make friends or scared we won’t find our way, but that night, none of that mattered. I had no internship prospects, and I had spent my Thursday night stuffing my face with chicken tenders, but at least I was free to be me. I was free to be the hemorrhoid-riddled white kid who can’t dunk like I know I am.
What is it anyways with Hecksher Gomes’ insistence upon taking me and my intestinal tract to task? If you ask me, Hecksher Gomes seems to have an unnatural obsession with my lower end and its arhythmic gyrations. Not to mention his other attacks on my character. In what ways has my being caused even the slightest amount of grief to Hecksher Gomes? You can ask anyone — if it weren’t for me, Alex Hecksher Gomes wouldn’t be where he is today.
Now, I understand how I have negatively affected others — Joseph Kim, I am sorry and with my deepest sincerity I grant you virtuality. However, it is not Hecksher Gomes’ place to use my intestinal issues, lack of athletic skill and dry lips to sully me and my innards. And for what? What journalistic merit does any of the sterile, enfeebled slop Hecksher Gomes calls writing have to this or any newspaper? Any educated reader who values themselves would rather go blind from eating soiled cat litter than read a single word Hecksher Gomes has ever published.
Like I said though, I am not here to berate anyone with personal insults or cast them in a negative light. I am only here to say my piece and go, and at this point I feel I have certainly overstayed my welcome. I have little more to say.
With my last words, I will address to the person who is responsible for this article being written in the first place. Alex Hecksher Gomes, you better listen up and watch yourself. There is no ultimatum or threat. There is only a simple affirmation. Alex Hecksher Gomes, I know where you live, eat, shit, sleep and fuck. Cross me again and I’ll crush the two limp dicks you call hands so you’ll never write another philistine piece of leftover nail clippings you call journalism.
Alex Hecksher Gomes is a senior from Cool City, America studying life and majoring in good vibes.