APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
This article is part of our series Opposing Viewpoints, where Alex Hecksher Gomes, a troubled student with no clear sense of self, peddles lies, half-truths and tales about his body in conversation with Alex Hecksher Gomes. You can find the opposing piece for this article here.
When I first met senior Alex Hecksher Gomes — well, I don’t quite remember. As far as I can tell he’s been present since my earliest memory, which says a lot about how insidiously infectious he has become in my mind. He taints the brain until there is nothing left without him in it.
So, from what I recall, I must have been three when we met, and for the sake of telling a coherent story, let’s say it was a summer evening and we were sitting atop a hill surrounded by tall grass. As he stared at me and I stared back at him all I could think was, “This three-year-old son of a bitch is hiding something.” I could only imagine what was under that mop of poopy-brown hair and behind those even poopier-brown eyes.
And by God if I haven’t found what lies behind those eyes. I cannot promise that what I claim is the whole story or accurate or backed up by anything other than my own rosé-induced conjectures. Nevertheless, it is the truth.
A natural place to start is where it always starts: the gut. Alex Hecksher Gomes would have you believe that his lower intestine is the most pristine unstuffed sausage sack on this side of the Potomac, but I will have you know that this colleague and so-called friend does in fact have chronic hemorrhoids. One eyewitness has even claimed that Hecksher Gomes was heard screaming, “I have hemorrhoids!” after one especially chicken-tender-filled late night meal at the Fresh Food Cafe.
How can a man who claims to have such integrity, such honor, such unearned self-importance be the same man whose sphincter bleeds like a sickly Victorian arm during bloodletting season?
A close confidant told me in an interview that it’s been rumored that a friend of theirs overheard someone else say someone was quoted as stating, “Alex [Hecksher Gomes]’s hemorrhoids are so bad his body is slowly ripping apart from the ass up.”
But I’m not here to fixate on a man’s rear end. No, sir, I would never spend my time talking about someone’s fissured rump — unless it was for greater journalistic pursuits. So listen here when I tell you that this thing goes all the way to the top. I can only imagine that after this article reaches the masses every Student Government Association (SGA) senator and class president will resign and the entire SGA will be dissolved out of sheer political and gastral embarrassment at being even remotely associated with the same educational institution attended by our “gentle” lover, Mr. Hecksher Gomes.
As promised, I will shift my focus from Hecksher Gomes’ lower half and look at the whole human — not that it gets much better once you add that impotent, not-too-much-going-on-upstairs head of his and those flaccid shoulders on which it rests.
Among his many and varied transgressions is the fact that Hecksher Gomes broke the headphones of a close and dear associate of mine who wished to remain anonymous — but hey, what the hell? His name is Joseph “Virtuality” Kim. Piecing the reports together, we know Hecksher Gomes broke Kim’s headphones by falling onto them after a failed attempt to dunk a so-called basketball. As witnesses recall, Hecksher Gomes was acting like a “Six-two white kid who thinks he’s LeBron.”
For legal and personal reasons, I find it necessary to note that Hecksher Gomes shares no relation to basketball legend LeBron James. In fact, if Hecksher Gomes lacks anything, it’s athletic prowess, followed closely by academic prowess, artistic prowess, entrepreneurial prowess and pretty much any other adjective imaginable followed by “prowess.” I can only imagine in a post-apocalyptic hellscape Hecksher Gomes would be the first to be killed for his meat. Or maybe he would survive off scraps and gristle, being spared death only out of the immense indifference he conjures up among the general population.
I could continue the list of many faults Hecksher Gomes seems to effortlessly possess, from his attempts to drunkenly join an Uber ride he in no way ordered, to insensitively yelling “You’re old!” at elderly ladies in the elevator, to even his ceaseless need to smear his precious Burt’s Bees chapstick over his helplessly arid lips. However, in the interest of time I will end with this: Alex Hecksher Gomes, like his hemorrhoids, is a never-ending sore that continues to flare up on the rectum that is the Hopkins campus.
Alex Hecksher Gomes is a senior from Berlin, Illinois studying Computer and double majoring in evidence and the cold, hard, firm, veiny truth.