Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
May 26, 2024

Socialist revolution engulfs Homewood

By LEO TROTSKI | March 30, 2017


Courtesy of the Homewood Starving Artists A spectre is haunting the University — the spectre of disgruntled liberals. Beware.

APRIL FOOL'S: This article was published as part of  The News-Letter's annual April Fool's edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.

A meme posted last Sunday in the “Hopkins Memes for my Lost Hopes and Dreams“ Facebook group inspired students to begin a socialist revolution or as they put it, “Seize the memes of production.”

The group, which has hosted divisive debates about leftist politics in the past, surprised onlookers as its socialist contributors actually did something about their views other than complain about capitalism and students pursuing finance.

The meme that started it all was a gif of University President Ronald J. Daniels lifting weights in the Rec Center with the caption, “Ronnie D making gains.”

Following a thread of 732 comments debating whether or not the caption is referring to muscular gains or monetary gains, several group members formed a revolutionary vanguard to begin the social upheaval.

Vanguard member Carlos Marks spoke about how memes were the perfect ways to engage the masses.

“They are easily understandable, they are witty and just all around fun. The meme of Ronnie D just shows how the rich are getting richer and that justifies our need for a revolution,” he said. “And you can tag all your friends in them, so everyone can join in.”

The vanguard’s first action was to interrupt Professor Chris Falzone’s 9 a.m. Organic Chemistry I lecture.

“Comrade premeds! How long will you grovel at the heels of professors for them to bump up your grades and write you letters of recommendation? How long will your labor be exploited in research labs doing all the ‘bitch work’?” junior Rosie Luxembourg said to the lecture hall. “The current system must be dismantled. Seize the back-tests! Seize control over your lives!”

Many members of the audience received this call to action warmly.

“I really like this whole vibe. I could really use some activist and community engagement experience for my med school application,” freshman Nicki Crewshev said. “I just want to be a really rich surgeon in the future.”

At roughly 10:30 a.m. that same day, revolutionaries seized the FFC and began freely distributing chicken wings and coffee Oreo ice cream. Students, hearing that there was free food being given out, flocked inside and listened to the revolutionary speeches.

By noon, revolutionary groups had control over all the buildings south of the Beach. They had also constructed several barricades across N. Charles Street, leading to a small riot by Baltimore drivers who are sick of Hopkins students screwing up traffic.

Additionally, many Hop Cops joined the student revolutionaries after they were promised a $15 minimum wage, job security and a housing grant program.

A reactionary group formed in response to the revolution and called themselves Students for a Fascist Society (SFS). These students, many of whom are former JHU College Republican members decried the “liberal bullshit that’s going around.”

SFS held a rally at 1 p.m. calling for fired economics professor Trent Bertrand to be instated as president of the University.

“People called Professor Bertrand a ‘blatant racist’ in their course evaluations. We need people like Bertrand to come back and exercise his right to use free speech to make students uncomfortable in the classroom,” SFS co-chair Benny Franco said. “These liberals are such crybabies and they just want to control what you think and say. That’s supposed to be a fascist’s job. They are stealing our jobs.”

As of 2 p.m., revolutionaries received word that President Daniels, along with many administrators, had fled campus and had taken refuge in the Wyman Park Building because it is too far of a walk for students.

Hearing this, students rushed into Garland Hall and took control of the financial aid offices to increase everyone’s financial aid. Additionally, several groups stationed themselves around Mason Hall to scare prospective student tour groups.

As soon as the administration was notified that prospective undergraduate students, their greatest source of revenue, were being attacked, they ordered drones from the Applied Physics Laboratory to carpet bomb the quads. The tide of the revolution soon turned against the vanguard as the student masses realized they had an exam the next day and went to Brody to study.

At 5 p.m. the administration released a statement saying they had regained control over the University. It was at this time that Campus Security sent out an email saying that there was an incident at the Homewood campus where “non-affiliates” of the school were accidentally hit by drone strikes.

The vanguard was rounded up by Hopkins security and sent to forced labor camps in East Baltimore where they will be helping the University gentrify the neighborhood.

Senior Eugenia Debs reflected upon the events of the day.

“It was just like Spring Fair. Everyone was outside enjoying themselves and a good portion of people were probably drunk,” she said. “The meme that started all this was pretty solid.”

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