Hopkins: never, ever, ever any fun, whatsoever.

As you probably already know, Hopkins students never have fun. We don’t think about anything but the MCAT (or the GRE, or the LSAT, oh my), working hard, avoiding failure, Ronnie D (praise be unto him),  tending to our constantly growing pile of homework, and of course avoiding failure.  Like rats in a maze, we skitter around the MSE Library for four years, give or take one, then leave as the merciless, fun-hating automatons that Hopkins has trained us to be.

Now, despite the fact that everyone knows the aforementioned truth, there are some vicious lies you might hear about what really goes on at Hopkins. While rumor may have it that there are “lacrosse games,” “soccer games,” and in fact, many kinds of “games,” this is simply not true. Even if there were to be a “game” on “Homewood Field,” no one would go.

Another absurd thing you’ll hear about is outdoors trips run by Outdoors Pusuits (OP) and the Johns Hopkins Outdoors Club (JHOC). I know, how ridiculous! They will tantalize you with promises of rock climbing, kayaking, canoeing, hiking and caving. Do not believe them! Do not sign up for these trips because they do not exist.

Some people will even tell you there’s sledding on the Beach in the winter sometimes. Sledding? The Beach? In the winter, when everyone knows that you are supposed to spend all your free time stressing about your imminent failure? Ha!

The most ridiculous thing I’ve heard is that Hopkins students go off campus. Everyone knows that Baltimore is waaaayyyy too dangerous and scary to do that, and also Baltimore might be a fun city. We don’t have fun here. We certainly don’t go to fun Baltimore things like Bike Party.

Another warning I have for you is about the mythical festival called “Spring Fair.” Do NOT, I repeat, do not believe this lie. So-called Spring Fair is a beautiful falsity, a weekend in April where everyone on campus is “happy” and “outside” and “eating chicken-on-stick” from “food trucks.” I know, how could anyone expect you to believe that? Hopkins students?

There are even rumors of a concert during Spring Fair. Do not believe these rumors. Like all of the other fun things you will hear about, they are lies.

In summary, despite many indications to the contrary, we all know that the way of life at Hopkins is, as the well-known rhyme goes, never, ever, ever any fun whatsoever. Get ready for four years with your nose to the grindstone! And again – no fun. Ever. At Hopkins, no matter what you hear, it simply does not exist.