Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
September 30, 2022

Johnny Hopkins vaped, research shows

By AL KAHOLIC | April 1, 2016

We’ve all heard the outrageous claims. It seems like everyone and their mother has smoked weed with “Johnny Hopkins,” but The News-Letter staff has remained dubious about the validity of these rumors.

Until recently, we haven’t been able to pinpoint the source of our doubts; luckily the University Archaeology Department’s recent investigation helped us do just that.

The archeological dig of the Homewood Outhouse yielded some ground-breaking revelations. Fourth year Ph.D. candidate Eugene “Pappy” Bilbolosisis discovered a cache of long-lost artifacts beneath a loose mahogany floorboard. Among the items found were a leather-bound diary, a primitive vaporizer, a first edition Monopoly game set and 12 vials of dried up Boysenberry-flavored vape juice brewed by the Rotunda’s best apothecary.

As if the list of items wasn’t enough to contend each and every person’s claim to have smoked weed with Johnny Hopkins, the contents of the diary will truly put this controversy to rest. After a graphologist (handwriting expert) confirmed that the diary belonged to Johns Hopkins with 69 percent certainty, the document was placed in special collections for our eager reporters to crack open and investigate.

Allegedly, the pot situation in mid 19th century Baltimore was a “complete and utter tommyrot.” It is then no surprise then that the rest of diary proceeds to capture Hopkins’ journey as the original pioneer of vape culture. The famed philanthropist describes in lurid detail the “bulbous and capacious vaporclouds” he would gleefully release in all manner of social situations.

Unfortunately, Hopkins’ contemporaries did not share this glee. Most feared the “exceeding fury” of Johnny, “The Charles Village Chimney’s” vapor clouds, said to have the ability to fill a room with opaque white Boysenberry vapor. Many a lavish dinner party was soured by The Chimney’s trusty vape and devilmay-care attitude. Consequently, Hopkins died a lonely and misunderstood death.

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