All faculty and staff will now be required to register their off -campus parties, the University announced Tuesday. The new measure is an amendment to the current policies on alcohol and parties that apply to the student body.
According to an email sent by University President Ronald J. Daniels to the University community on Tuesday, this provision has been in the works for several months.
“After releasing the updated alcohol and party policy in the fall that required students to register their off -campus parties, we realized that enforcement would be a diffi cult issue,” Daniels wrote. “There are a decent number of students at Hopkins who want to socialize instead of study on weekends. We want to keep them safe, and the only way to do that is to make sure they register their parties.”
He explained that the idea of how to enforce the registration provision came from the student subcommittee that collaborated with the Alcohol Strategy Working Group to draft the new alcohol and parties policy.
“The students explained that we would be total hypocrites if we didn’t follow the very rules we’re trying to enforce,” Daniels wrote. “We are, therefore, leading by example and requiring all faculty and staff , myself included, to register their off -campus parties.”
Daniels explained the penalties faculty and staff face if they do not comply, which were also devised by the student subcommittee.
“If a faculty or staff member holds an unregistered party, all final exams will be canceled. Jk. You wish, homies!” Daniels wrote. “But in all seriousness, if a faculty or staff member does not follow the rules, he or she will be compelled to attend a sorority chapter meeting and lead the bend-and-snap exercise. Cruel and unusual punishment will be the only way to ensure that faculty and staff follow these rules.”
Penalties for students who violate the registration policy are notably less severe. Per the policy enacted last fall, guilty students are compelled to attend one counseling session in which they are put in time-out (they sit in a tiny chair facing a corner) for five minutes and then are given a lollipop on the way out. This punishment policy was drafted by the student subcommittee.
Senior Jonas Smith, a member of the subcommittee, discussed how the party registration requirement for faculty and staff was put into effect.
“This is actually hilarious. We kind of pitched this whole provision as a joke, but then all deans and Ronny D we’re like ‘Okay!’ And even with the penalties, they, like, didn’t even question it. They have way too much trust in us,” Smith said, laughing.
Other students have also responded positively to the new provision.
“I think it’s pretty dope that now us and the professors and stuff are all in the same boat,” junior Andy Richardson, a frat bro, said.
Senior Kara Danvers concurred and was particularly thrilled by the fact that faculty and staff will face penalties if they don’t comply with the policy.
“It’s like Animal Farm, like we’re all equal. No one’s above the rules,” Danvers said, before acknowledging that she has not read Animal Farm.
Daniels hopes that by making all members of the University subject to the same rules and policies, Hopkins will become a more tight-knit community.
“To quote my favorite movie of all time: ‘We’re all in this together. Once we know that we are, we’re all stars and we see that. We’re all in this together. And it shows when we stand hand in hand, make our dreams come true,’” Daniels wrote. “We’re all stars and our dream is party registration.”
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