Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
April 17, 2024


In a series of 24 University-wide emails, University President Ronald J. Daniels outlined his vision for the new student center, newly named Bloomberg Tower. Alumnus Michael Bloomberg donated $2.8 billion to the construction of the tower, which will be located on the current Mattin Center site.

“I love Hopkins, I love money, and I love putting my name on buildings, so naturally I had to build this resplendent tower in my own image,” Bloomberg said. “And everyone knows that the Mattin Center is a breeding ground for crime and villainy.”

Rising 43 stories and visible from every corner of Baltimore and the state of Maryland, the new student center will redefine the phrase “Hopkins’ shadow.”

At the ground level, a cafeteria run by Bon Appetit will provide students with meals ranging from a $24.99 ribeye steak with melted butter sauce and a $45.00 Surf and Turf special, which Daniels says will appeal especially to members of the Greek community on campus.

“We’re really going for budget unlimited,” he Facebook messaged The News-Letter. “Our dining service prides itself on being unaffordable, so why stop at a $10.00 sandwich?”

The administration will allocate space in Bloomberg Tower on the criteria of most creative bribe and Administration Title Trivia, where student groups must memorize the titles of all University administrators from Assistant Mega Provost for Towson-Hopkins Bilateral Relations Maxim Kulofsky through MegaDean of Vice 7/11 Taste Testing Paula Kardashian to Dean for Lacrosse and Economics Bobert Barbara.

The Supranational Governmental Agency (SGA) will occupy the top 15 stories of the Tower, where they will continuously write and rewrite their guidelines and constitution.

Associate Dean for Student Engagement Tiffany Sanchez, SGA’s overlord, is terrifically, impossibly excited about the Tower as well.

“I’m absolutely thrilled to be able to smile and rule over not just SGA and the Office of Student Engagement, but now over Baltimore and Maryland as well!!!!!!!! :D,” she exclaimed. SGA Politburo Member Jack “Toots” Bartholet will occupy the lower echelons of the tower to “better connect with the masses.” “Sometimes it feels like we of the SGA live in our own ivory tower,” he said. “Now that it’s going to physically be that way, it’s important that everyone remember we’re still students and not powerful overlords — yet. Baby steps.”

KitKat Palm, Class of 2015, said that she was excited to watch the construction of the Tower from her new home in Washington, D.C.

“Sometimes I miss Hopkins, but now I can see the new Tower going up from anywhere,” she said. “I heard you can even see Bloomberg Tower from space.”

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