Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
September 30, 2022

To truly understand the GOP mess, we must look to the hair

September 4, 2015


On September 26, 1960, Presidents John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon arrived at a downtown Chicago CBS studio for America's first-ever televised presidential debate. Americans who listened to the debate over radio mostly declared the debate to be a draw or gave Nixon the slight edge; however, the over 70 million Americans who watched the debate on their televisions overwhelming named JFK the clear winner. Nixon was 20 pounds underweight, frail-looking and had a bum knee. Kennedy, on the other hand, had the most lusciously flowing hair that the American presidency would see until Reagan was elected in 1980. Nowadays, the motto for American presidential hairstyles is: "no flow, no go" (to the Oval Office, that is). Accordingly, it is my pleasure to provide The News-Letter readership with a definitive analysis of GOP candidates’ hairstyles. Enjoy.

Donald Trump: Fun fact: the hair that Donald Trump has on the top of his head did not originally come from there. However, he has repeatedly gone on record claiming the hair he has on his head is his own. Additionally, his legs are perfectly hairless. I'll let you all put two and two together.

Jeb Bush: Though good old Jeb comes from a family with fantastic hairlines (George H.W. and George W.’s hairdos were as crispy as could be), apparently the former Florida governor spent too much time in the swamp and let the hair get sloppy. Comb it better Jeb, comb it good.

Scott Walker: Scott Walker, ladies and gentlemen. Business in the front, and apparently the party got busted up in the back because the man is as bald as Mr. Clean. Good news though! You can’t see it when he's on TV.... WAIT the camera angle at the debate exposed everything. Just shave it off Scott. Being bald is a choice; balding is not. The look worked perfectly for Michael Jordan!

Marco Rubio: Keeps it simple and clean. The classic dark-haired side swoop has always been, and will continue to be, electable. I think we have a clear favorite here.

Ted Cruz: Not much to notice here, folks. "Felito" speaks with words, not style. And oh does he have a lot to say nowadays. The hair is a about as bare-bones as can be. That being said, he has a certain amount of potential.

Rand Paul: Fittingly, Rand Paul's haircut screams "Hello, I'm your crazy distant relative." His curls go in every which way, and when he smiles, he slightly resembles the Chuck E. Cheese mouse.

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