Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
April 21, 2024

"He's so cute. Like a puppy. That falls over."

By SOPHIA GAUTHIER | April 11, 2013

And just like that, you’ve entered into…“The Friend Zone” *cue spooky music*. The ever-feared nebulous purgatory populated with the not-quite-there crowd.

It saddens me to admit that I have definitely been on both sides of the table in the business of “friend-zoning”, if you will. I recognize that some of you reading this may be unjustly attractive and unfamiliar with such a place.

Allow me to acquaint you with our way of life.

A lot of people assume that The Friend Zone is a monochromatic entity, to be avoided at all costs. It is, however, intricately arranged into a system of levels and rules, and maintains a variety of dynamics.

Basically, we’re all just trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Most people have lived in The Friend Zone at one point or another although the population of Friend Zone varies dependent on social circle and point in time.

Most of the inhabitants are high school and college-aged, which means we conveniently experience evil amounts of hormones that try to convince us that we want out. That’s just Darwin speaking from the grave.

We in The Friend Zone are a kindly folk, mildly humorous, mildly intelligent, too caring for our own good, increasingly desperate, and not quite physically attractive enough to move elsewhere. Allow me to explain.

There are strict rules in the Friend Zone. Fellow Friend Zone neighbors are not allowed to take their relationship to “The Next Level,” (which is like the neighboring country) unless they’re awkward sidekicks in an angst-y teenage fan fiction piece.

In that case, we don’t really want them there anyway. Friend Zoners are to maintain only moderately attractive traits across the board, traits that allow them to, well, remain in The Friend Zone.

The minute someone oversteps their boundaries, and becomes slightly more desirable, they are immediately ejected from The Friend Zone.

It’s kind of like when you outdo everyone on the block by bedazzling your house with literally thousands of Christmas lights, synchronize their flash frequency to music and post a video of it on YouTube. Neighbors think it’s rude. (Just kidding, it’s one of the coolest things ever.)

But now that you’ve been acquainted with our Land, it’s time you ask yourself several questions and then make a decision.

Are you in The Friend Zone? And, if you are, do you plan on staying? I promise you, it’s not so bad. We have no room for drama, since we’re all just friends. We share an unmistakable bond and have the camaraderie of others who share our plight.

Not to mention, we also have Ben & Jerry’s ice-cream. And we have adorable puppies.


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