Grouplove, really? Ten performers that would be more welcome at Spring Fair

Wait, who?

That was essentially my reaction upon discovering that Grouplove would be performing at this year’s Spring Fair Concert. Granted, a quick YouTube search brought me to their music video for “Tongue Tied,” a song I vaguely recognized from an Apple commercial, but I can’t help but be disappointed by our performer choice. Obviously, there’s no problem with booking indie artists, but after having a Grammy award-winning artist like Common, and a gold-selling band like Brand New perform at Spring Fairs past, we have seriously downgraded. Here are ten better choices for a Spring Fair performer. Let’s consult this list when planning for Spring Fair 2014:

1. Kendrick Lamar: With Lamar being arguably the best rapper out right now, who wouldn’t love to see him at Spring Fair? Besides, it’s about time we brought some hip-hop back to this campus.

2. Baauer: As much as the obnoxious New Yorker in me despises the “Harlem Fake” craze that has taken over college campuses and army bases worldwide, I can’t really blame Baauer for that, can I? The man makes some infectious beats — my favorites are “DumDum” and “HIGHER”. If Spring Fair is looking to support lesser-known artists, Baauer is definitely the better choice.

3. Childish Gambino/Donald Glover: He’s an overemotional rapper and a borderline inappropriate comedian, all wrapped up in a medium-tshirt-sized package. Furthermore, as a self-proclaimed “blerd” (Black nerd) he can relate to all of us at Hopkins; he’s smart and awkward, we’re smart and awkward: it’s perfect a match.

4. Beyoncé: If she does anything like what she did at the Super Bowl, think about how much money Hopkins could save on its electricity bill after she hits the stage – probably even more than it would cost to book her in the first place. Also, honestly, who could say no to Beyoncé?

5. A hologram of Jimi Hendrix. Or The Beatles. Or any other artists who were insanely popular before their untimely deaths: This is Hopkins. We can make it happen.

6. Dennis Rodman: If he’s good enough for Kim Jong-Un, he’s good enough for us. No clue if he has any real musical talent, but maybe he could tell us a thing or two about the legitimacy of the unicorn lair in North Korea? Or, you know, how much time we have to live.

7. Boo, the World’s Cutest Dog: The fact that YouTube videos of this puppy have more views than all of Grouplove’s music videos proves that we can do better.

8. Tupac: The Homewood campus is filled with secrets, and I’m convinced one of them is that Pac has been hiding out in the basement of Krieger since his “death” in 1996. A Spring Fair performance would definitely compensate for 17 years of deception.

9. JHU researchers: With Hopkins being the top research institution in the universe (or something like that), what could be more exciting than hearing the results of the innovative studies that make this university so well-known? Just kidding. Unless they have free t-shirts.

10. A Kanye West rant: Many are divided on whether or not Ye’s music is as iconic as he thinks it is, but there’s one thing we can all agree on — his rants are pretty entertaining.  His recent admonition of corporate sponsorships and Jay-Z’s collaboration with Justin Timberlake, albeit slightly disconcerting, still got tons of laughs. And who else but Kanye would auto-tune a rant while performing in Dubai? Forget an indie band; an angry Kanye West would make for the best Spring Fair Concert — wait for it — of all time.