Battle of the sexes: Date party double-take

Nicole’s Perspective:

In terms of date-parties, last Friday night could not have been a bigger fiasco. I was ecstatic when my crush John invited me to dance the night away with him. At first, I thought it was super adorable and romantic when he brought me one wilted red rose. I honestly didn’t care that it was wilted because it’s the thought that counts, right? I was ready to be swept away until I walked out of my room and realized that John was bringing this other random girl named Emily. Apparently, he thought we “knew” each other from Dorm Wars. I don’t even remember participating in such an event. I knew it would be difficult to fight this girl off to get my man.

John had texted me earlier telling me about these special dinner plans he had before the party. I ended up awkwardly standing outside UniMini with that random chick Emily while “our date” was inside purchasing a single bag of Chex Mix and a bottle of sparkling water. Emily and I stood outside with absolutely nothing to talk about. I knew that there was no hope in trying to become friends with Emily after she continued to quote Shahs of Sunset after I had told her I’d never seen the show. When John returned, he told us that we could pay him back when “we got the chance.”

John then proceeded to drag Emily and me down North Charles Street. John’s incessant yanking forced me to sprint in my five-inch heels. As someone with less-than average coordination, I obviously tripped in my shoes and spent the rest of my night without part of a toenail. When we arrived at the event, I was overwhelmed by the stench of cheap perfume and excessive body odor within the disgustingly cramped venue. John made it very clear that we were in fact not on a date when he introduced me time and time again as his “good friend.”

I finally realized that I stood no chance with John by the time he had pushed me onto the fifth guy’s body on the dance floor. John kept whispering in my ear “just get with him.” Then he made a huge scene as he threw up the entire way to and from and the bathroom. He acted as if nothing had happened even though the entire room reeked of ratchet Chex Mix.

Since that Emily chick was preoccupied with a guy who, quite honestly, looked like a vampire, I was forced to lug John back to the AMRs and tuck him into bed. This chore was nearly impossible, seeing as John is almost twice my size. I was finally forced to leave his room after he continued to repeat the words “I don’t love you” over and over again. I went back to my room, crawled into my bed, and cried myself to sleep. It was truly an unforgettable night.

John’s Perspective:

There were many opportunities for error during my first date party but I can confidently declare that the night was an enormous success. I picked up my date, my close friend Nicole Ziegler, at her room in AMR II with a single red rose in hand. Nicole seemed very impressed by the rose; I knew it was the right move. I brought along a close friend of mine, Emily, whom I knew was also very close to Nicole. The more the merrier! Going as “just friends” to any date-party alleviates all romantic stresses and guarantees a low-key night of rockin’ dance moves and casual small talk. Unencumbered by fears of dance floor hookups, I was ready to take on the night.

Although we had plans for dinner, time was tight. While my dates waited outside, I ran into UniMini and grabbed a large bag of Chex mix and a Perrier. A great combination of fun and fancy, dinner was the perfect metaphor for the night. When I walked back outside, Emily and Nicole were hitting it off.

Arm and arm, Nicole, Emily and I walked to the party’s venue. Nicole appeared overwhelmed with anticipation and excitement as she tripped over herself in an effort to rush to the event. Walking into the house was the college equivalent to the red carpet at the Oscars. Camera flashes, beautiful faces and glamorous clothing. Center stage: Nicole, Emily and I. We were the Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt of the event. After an almost never-ending whirl of introductions, we made our way to the dance floor.

The dance floor atmosphere was unreal. Drink in hand, I brought out my top notch moves and jaws were droppin’. Since all the attention was on me for the larger part of the night, I decided to pay special attention to my dates and try to hook them up. Emily wasted no time pairing off but Nicole seemed unimpressed with the night’s selection of eligible bachelors. My efforts as matchmaker were momentarily put on hold on account of excessive alcohol. In between songs, I slyly made my way to the bathroom, and gracefully reemerged on the floor.

In the blink of an eye I was back in my bed. It was as if no time had passed from when I was on the dance floor to when I was under the covers. Although I hadn’t seen it happen, one partygoer must have vomited on my blazer, for the black fabric was coated and foul-smelling. I felt like I was floating, the room was spinning, was this love? It couldn’t be. I hadn’t met anyone special. At one point, Nicole made an appearance in my room.  I don’t remember our exact dialogue, but she most likely thanked me for a wonderful night. I drifted off into a deep slumber on a mix of melatonin and realized dreams. It was truly an unforgettable night.