Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
October 23, 2021

America is PLAGUED by an obesity epidemic. QUINTILLIONS of dollars in health care are being poured towards PREVENTABLE diseases. People are DYING. School lunches are POISONING the nation’s FUTURE. METEORS are EXPLODING over RUSSIA.

So. Much. Media. Hype. It’s insane. The “America gets wider” scare is a modern bubonic plaque. And everyone blames it on our butts. That’s right, the very same butts that let us sit. Some thanks.

You know, sitting gets such a bad rap these days. I remember the good ole times before the Oprah’s of the medical sphere equated sitting with cardiovascular disease. I love sitting. It’s so nice! But now, everyone automatically appends the word “lifestyle” to the end of “sedentary” as if all sedentary habits are chronic and bad, bad, bad.

Okay, before you go all Hayley Lewis on me, allow me to qualify my argument. We definitely need more exercise in our daily lives. But we also need more rest. Rest in the form of sitting, which is just so nice and….sedentary.

A day at the beach, turtles, kindly old folk. I can think of quite a few things that are nice and sedentary. Sitting has such pleasant connotations. I was sitting when I received my first kiss. I was sitting when I learned how to drive. I was sitting when I wrote this piece.

Sitting is what you do when you can no longer stand to stand, but you still have a good part of the day to get through. You stand when you brush your teeth, and then you sit to eat breakfast. You stand when you’re getting dressed for the day but then you sit in the car. It’s a wonderful action, so great that God himself created an entire muscle for its’ purpose.

Just think. What would you do if you had no butt? I mean, really. You could stand or you could lie down. That’s it. Imagine how much more complicated life would become without the intermediary. Lecture halls would be filled with students lying on the ground, probably sleeping. Movie theaters would be filled with people standing, all vying to see the screen, fighting over popcorn and kicking over drinks. John Deere riding mowers would be non existant. Everyone would drive Segways instead of cars. Oh the horror.

Cows are a good example of what life would be like without the ability to sit. The poor guys are just kinda stuck. And yet they stand all day long and still gain unwanted weight. Sitting is obviously not the problem.

Also, if we always had to choose between standing and lying down, we’d be no better than political extremists or magnetic poles, forever stuck at the ends of the spectrum, incapable of compromise. The world would forever be at war.

I think it’s about time that we lay off the sedentary-bashing agenda, just for a little, and quit hating on America’s past time. Let’s have a day of appreciation for sitting or a holiday for backside thanksgiving. Ack, I can already hear the men out there clapping. Stop being a bunch of dogs (although keep up the support!) I think we should all take a moment and give our butts some nice and sedentary non-gratuitous gratitude. The media’s been bullying the glut for far too long.

And for the health goons out there, ya’ll can have a seat.

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