First of all, RAVENS NATION BABY.
But more seriously, this is one of the most casually astute predictions I have ever heard. As you all very well know, Baltimore City is a collection of eccentric and often clashing neighborhoods. But if one thing unifies its residents, it’s aggressive men in tight purple pants.
True story time: I was walking through the Waverly Giant during one of the regular season games when an older man came onto the intercom. He politely excused himself and then proceeded to announce the score of the current game, to much cheering from the shoppers. He then made it his business to periodically announce updates at regular intervals. I call that community.
Oh! Another time, one casual Sunday afternoon, a friend and I were walking around Mt. Vernon. I just so happened to be wearing a purple shirt. In less than one hour, my friend and I had made more friends than Facebook. Purple has an eerie influence over Baltimore residents. It’s like the Force but without the complicated invisible aspect. There are major ramifications to this purple potential. Not only can Ravens success improve cafeteria food, I predict that it can improve quality of life. Yes, I am about to get super practical. Let me explain. With the new Security Bulletin email alerts, I’m not going to lie, safety has become a much more pressing matter in my mind. Now picture this scenario. You’ve intelligently decided to walk through a dark and sketchy alleyway after midnight. You hear footsteps in the shadows, but the shadows are just as dark as the rest of the dark alleyway, so you cannot see where they are coming from. You begin to get nervous and realize that this would be a good time to be able to use the Force. Suddenly, a kid jumps you from behind! He tackles you the ground and demands your wallet. But then he notices that you’re wearing a Raven’s jersey, and loot-less, takes off running.
Why? Ravens fans stick together. Nobody tolerates civil strife in the football world. I’m going to venture that not even Moses could part the purple seas. I mean, you’ve got Ray Lewis on your back, and nobody can touch Ray Lewis.
Moral of this story? Stop walking through dark alleyways, silly. Also, I can’t imagine what might’ve happened if you had been wearing a Steelers jersey.
Of course, I hardly support the out-of-hand rivalries between fans. Fans punching each other over games, flipping tables. You guys are doing it all wrong! The players are getting paid to beat each other up. You, on the other hand, have no excuse, or reasonable incentive (to the tune of several million dollars.) So sit your butt back down and pass the wings.
On the other hand, I am, of course, a total fan of the community aspect. One of the most violent sports in America is ironically the most uniting. Come game day, the city is lit up with purple lights, decked out with purple banners, alive with purple, purple, purple. Even the super hipster One World Café has decided to jump on the proverbial bandwagon and add purple décor to the windows. Of course, it’s got to be good for business.
Okay, I’m going to be honest. Football fandom is a relatively new universe for me. I used to be that girl. But it’s not my fault. With no brothers, a foreign mother and a nerdy dad, football was the last thing on my interest list. But now, well, I’m freaking psyched for this game. And with good reason.
Of course, everyone knows that the coaches are brothers. This is the greatest sibling rivalry match-up since Serena and Venus Williams (Maybe. I don’t actually know anything about sibling rivalries in sports.) And regardless of whether or not our Hopkins meal times are improved by game outcome, I cannot imagine it will be a pleasant dining experience around the Harbaugh dinner table. None of us are strangers to the sweetness of sibling rivalry victory (unless you’re an only child. Then, well, this is awkward.) But for some reason, the personal component makes this game all the more compelling.
Also, let’s talk about destiny, Ray Lewis’ favorite word. He gets to do the last Squirrel ever in the Super Dome. It is going to be awesome. Speaking of Ray Lewis, SNL did a fantastic pre-game sketch where [SPOILER ALERT] pseudo-Ray exclaims that if the Ravens win the Super Bowl, he is going to kneel at the fifty-yard line and ascend into Heaven. (What about your promise, Lewis!)
Then there is also the fact that neither of these teams has ever lost a Super Bowl game. So basically, this makes the taste of loss for the losing team all the more bitter. Which is what our food will be, if we do lose.
But I am no Negative Nancy. Because we are going to do awesomely fantastic come game day. (Knock on wood.) In fact, I will be so bold as to make some game day predictions of my own.
If the Ravens win, FFC food will not only be terrific, it will be unsurpassable. It will be so good that Georgina Rupp of the Delicious Dining: The PhenomeNOMS column on A9 (which is fantastic, by the way) will abandon all hope of Baltimore restaurant hopping and start reviewing campus food instead. If the Ravens win, not only will late night have extra crispy bacon, they’ll have those cheesy omelets that everyone with a penchant for cheese and omelets loves. Heck, maybe they’ll even let us put fries in the take-out cups again! Maybe the “free jukebox after 9 p.m.” rule will turn into “free jukebox after 9 a.m.” rule. If the Ravens win, perhaps the awkward hours between mealtimes will suddenly become slightly less awkward. If the Ravens win, Sterling Brunch will serve ambrosia on diamond plates and regular meal times will feature ice sculptures of Joe Flacco with music by a local high school marching band. If the Ravens win, I will buy a meal plan this semester.
But enough if’s, possiblities and predictions. Game Day is quickly approaching and things are ABOUT TO GET REAL. Get ready for the only time in the year that commercials and strange superstitions are not only acceptable but expected. Grab your Ravens jersey, an upperclassman with cable and start fasting. It’s going to be freaking delicious.