May 3, 2012
On Tuesday, actress/singer/fashion designer/tuna expert Jessica Simpson gave birth to a nine-pound, thirteen-ounce baby girl named Maxwell Drew Johnson. "Maxwell" is Simpson's fianc??/baby daddy Eric Johnson's middle name and his grandmother's maiden name, while "Drew" is Simpson's mother's maiden name.
Simpson became a household name when she married 98 Degrees singer Nick Lachey. The couple starred in The Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, an MTV reality show that essentially showed America that Jessica was an annoying dumb blonde (and the entire country understood when the couple divorced in 2005).
Since her divorce, J.Simps has been pretty unlucky: when dating Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, fans called his poor performance when she attended games the "Jessica Jinx," some even going so far as to call her "Yoko Romo." Two films she starred in - Blonde Ambition and Employee of the Month - flopped, and she botched the lyrics to a Dolly Parton song while honoring her at the Kennedy Center Awards in 2006.
Lately, however, luck seems to be heading Simpson's way again, as she's experienced success recording country music, designing clothing and shoes and as the star of VH1's The Price of Beauty, a documentary show in which Simpson traveled the world and taught viewers about different cultural perspectives of beauty. She's announced her engagement to free agent tight-end Eric Johnson, who is now her baby daddy. While I'm sure Jessica is smarter than she seems on television, here are some basic life lessons I feel that her child should have access to, just in case her mother forgets:
1. Buffalo wings are not made of buffalo. Simpson famously made this claim on The Newlyweds, and I still don't understand why Buffalo Wild Wings hasn't utilized this film footage in its advertising campaign.
2. Likewise, Chicken of the Sea is not chicken. The can lies. No poultry products are found inside.
3. Don't place bets at any sporting events your mother will be attending.
4. If you're going to be singing at a public awards ceremony, make sure you practice the words. Actually, let's generalize this to any sort of public domain. In case you wonder why, ask Aunt Ashlee to show you the videotape of that time she was on SNL.
5. Don't announce you've remained a virgin until your wedding day. Besides a few select Christians, no one in the world really wants to know.
6. Don't listen to John Mayer music in the house. Or rather, any musical artist who calls any woman "sexual napalm" or compares her to "crack cocaine."
7. Be nice to your siblings. They could write an entire album about how rough it is growing up with you.