Coming in America: Sex trends in the U.S. of A

As a foreign student studying at an American college, I have gotten used to encountering cultural norms that baffle the hell out of me. But there is one thing that humbles all: the ways in which people talk about, lead up to and evaluate sex. Let me elaborate.

First, I found the openness with which Americans (RE: horny college students) talk about intercourse to be very interesting. In fact, it was so interesting that I framed it into a theory which I call the “Funnel Hypothesis.” The Funnel Hypothesis states that no matter what Americans (read: sex-driven 20-year olds) start a conversation with, it will always end up involving, alluding to or mentioning sex. You could be talking about Sarah Palin and the next thing you know, you and your interlocutor are struggling to set down an objective set of standards for being a MILF.

Now, I’m not going to argue that my friends from back home don’t talk about sex. But usually it’s a private, closed discussion, something that you wouldn’t hear on primetime TV. In America, though, such is not the case; how could you argue otherwise after the Oprah character on South Park named her female organ and her rectum, and proceeded to weep tragically when the latter died? OK, maybe it was a bit funny, but the fact remains that in the American psyche, the subject of sex is something as normal as taxes or football. I love American nonchalance, but shouldn’t there be at least some boundaries? I mean, what’s next — giving sex tips to your son-in-law?

But apart from the bizarrely open discussions of sex, another thing that grabbed the attention of my foreign eyes was the house party culture. Don’t get me wrong, I think house parties are awesome; what better way to party than to have it at a place where you don’t have to worry about getting IDed, paying a cover fee or finding a place to spend the night if all goes well? If I had to choose between standing in line to get into a sleazy club back home and a house party teeming with nice, homegrown girls, you know where I’d be.

What has really bothered me, though, is how the hosts of the house parties make peace with the craziness that goes down at such events. Why would anyone intentionally plan something that might potentially wreck, destroy and vandalize your own house? What about the nasty cleanup? If you’re trying to buy friendship, there must be better ways than enduring the sight of that hairy jock taking a girl up to your parents’ bedroom. There must be.

And last but not least, there is the American notion of considering oral sex as preliminary and further down in the hierarchy of sexual acts than intercourse. I don’t think I’ve heard anything as ridiculous as that. I mean, do people actually think that going down for the pure pleasure of their partners denotes less intimacy than something as easy as planting that bad boy in the mound?

People do not appreciate the wonders of a proper blow job (I can’t say the same about getting eaten out, for obvious reasons). When executed to perfection, it can give a man a sense of pleasure that is second to none, and besides, some say it even cures cancer. Whatever the case, I am sure Americans appreciate blow jobs as much as I do. But if they do, why do they commit the egregious error of selling them for less than what they’re worth? They carry far more meaning than a quick banging any day, and they should be treated as such. Americans seriously need to have a rearranging of the base system, because as it stands, home base is at third.

Openness to sex and willingness to give head aside, Americans are truly efficient when it comes to sex. At every party and every mixer, there is at least one couple hitting the sack together. Backwards or not, America is the place to be in when you want to get it in.